The actual fill process was very painful. He has always had a hard time hitting the silicon area. I have him numb me but I can still feel him hitting the plastic part of the port as he tries to find his way to the silicon area. It slips a lot. Therefor it ca be very painful. It is a grinding type of feeling. Not fun.
I really feel the difference though. I can't eat as much and I get full quicker. I feel fuller longer and I am finally enjoying it. Hoping that this is a start of getting on track and loosing.
Today I had my follow up appointment for my recent fill. Since the last fill was so aggressive he really wants me to get on track to loose. I told him I how much I can eat but yet how much I notice a difference. It has really helped. He still felt that I wasn't quite there yet so he gave me a small, itty-bitty fill today to add to the larger fill recently done. Surprisingly he hit the marker the first time! It was so brief it surprised both of us. Usually the doctor and I talk about how difficult the fills are... today we just laughed in shock. It was great. Even better I didn't have to be there very long since the appointment went so quick. My port has moved as I have lost weight and started to lay at an angle.
As always a reminder to keep up with my vitamins, eat proteins and drink lots of water. I am so bad at the water part.
This past week I have been working harder at not babying my injury. I still have no feeling in the impact area of my leg .. and I have a permanent indentation as my scar. Can't be a big baby! I am trying my best to get back to working out hard. I jogged 1 mile without stopping (Big Deal) and I also swam laps. I love swimming. It is a work out but it also relaxes you. I am still going to my acupuncture appointments once a week. This last one was amazing! I got that tickling current feeling again all over, but I also twitched a lot. I guess that means that when you flinch the pressure points were hit perfectly. It will have bigger results. Fingers Crossed.
This weekend I am going out for a bachelorette weekend for my new sister-in-law. I have no nice hot slutty clothes anymore. Nor can I afford to go shopping before hand. I am feeling already I will be out of place wearing flats since I can't wear heals due to my injury... and pants... who where pants to a club!?! Hoping my negativity with my clothes isn't a big deal and ruins my fun. Hanging with only a few girls I know and I am not really part of the circle of girls anymore... so it should be an interesting weekend. Wish me luck.
Weight for today: 205
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Party Pointers
It has been 4 days since my last confession latest fill. I am feeling pretty good so far. I haven't felt hungry and I am trying not to eat too large of portions. Mushy food passes easier but the denser foods I definitely can't eat a lot of. Or if something is too dry. In some way I am kind of scared to force myself to eat too much. I really want this fill to be the one that works.
I went to two parties this weekend and both served lunch. Both parties were a lot of fun aside from the eating part. It is always good to see my close friends and get caught up. It in a way, recharges me. I didn't want to eat too much while there since I didn't want to get stuck. So I ate oatmeal or a yogurt before leaving the house. It really helped to have the right kinda of snack prior. I didn't over do it. But social eating definitely is a downfall.
Party 1: Had a mix of Asian foods from Chinese, Filipino and Hawaiian. It is hard not to eat something fried or a carbohydrate with such a selection. In stead of taking a bit of everything like I normally do... I picked a couple of things that were my favorite and just ate those. The desserts I happen to not be fond of so I didn't feel tempted to eat. The chicken that I did eat almost got stuck. I had to eat a little amount while chewing longer, then waiting a bit to eat more. I was getting a few looks since everyone else around me was devouring their plates. My bf and I now have a hand signal when he sees me stop eating... While no one is looking I point to my chest and then he knows what is wrong. I end up having to use the bathroom to spit up that thick-dog-slobbery-saliva that gathers in back of your mouth when you get stuck. Luckily it didn't turn into me throwing up.
Party 2: No selection except chicken casserole, strawberry salad and bread. I should of skipped on the bread and the casserole. But I managed to eat it. It haunted me the remaining of the day. Just say no to anything baked with mayo, cheese and topped with potato chips. Dessert was cupcakes... I had 2. Not the lowest calorie lunch. But since I ate a larger lunch I ended up eating a small bowl of soup for dinner. So all in all I stayed within my calorie limit for the day. Learned that casseroles may taste good but don't agree with my tummy.
It is always a battle to stay focused with so many temptations at a party. Here are a few party pointers:
- Don't stand near or around the serving area.
- Stay clear of open candy dishes.
- Pick a favorite entree and not entrees.
- Always take more green salad to fill up your plate first - there is less room for unhealthy choices.
- Be social and stay occupied. I know when I am bored I eat more.
- Drink a lot of water.
- Have a healthy snack before the party. That way you don't over do it.
Goal for this week: Water, Water, Water.
Weight for today: 204 (ouch)
I went to two parties this weekend and both served lunch. Both parties were a lot of fun aside from the eating part. It is always good to see my close friends and get caught up. It in a way, recharges me. I didn't want to eat too much while there since I didn't want to get stuck. So I ate oatmeal or a yogurt before leaving the house. It really helped to have the right kinda of snack prior. I didn't over do it. But social eating definitely is a downfall.
Party 1: Had a mix of Asian foods from Chinese, Filipino and Hawaiian. It is hard not to eat something fried or a carbohydrate with such a selection. In stead of taking a bit of everything like I normally do... I picked a couple of things that were my favorite and just ate those. The desserts I happen to not be fond of so I didn't feel tempted to eat. The chicken that I did eat almost got stuck. I had to eat a little amount while chewing longer, then waiting a bit to eat more. I was getting a few looks since everyone else around me was devouring their plates. My bf and I now have a hand signal when he sees me stop eating... While no one is looking I point to my chest and then he knows what is wrong. I end up having to use the bathroom to spit up that thick-dog-slobbery-saliva that gathers in back of your mouth when you get stuck. Luckily it didn't turn into me throwing up.
Party 2: No selection except chicken casserole, strawberry salad and bread. I should of skipped on the bread and the casserole. But I managed to eat it. It haunted me the remaining of the day. Just say no to anything baked with mayo, cheese and topped with potato chips. Dessert was cupcakes... I had 2. Not the lowest calorie lunch. But since I ate a larger lunch I ended up eating a small bowl of soup for dinner. So all in all I stayed within my calorie limit for the day. Learned that casseroles may taste good but don't agree with my tummy.
It is always a battle to stay focused with so many temptations at a party. Here are a few party pointers:
- Don't stand near or around the serving area.
- Stay clear of open candy dishes.
- Pick a favorite entree and not entrees.
- Always take more green salad to fill up your plate first - there is less room for unhealthy choices.
- Be social and stay occupied. I know when I am bored I eat more.
- Drink a lot of water.
- Have a healthy snack before the party. That way you don't over do it.
Goal for this week: Water, Water, Water.
Weight for today: 204 (ouch)
Friday, September 16, 2011
A Very Aggressive Fill
Off to the surgeon I went to have my band filled and a little pep talk yesterday. I told him all about how I can't tell what I had concerns about.... How I can eat a huge meal one day but the next of next meal I end up getting stuck, I feel hungry, I can't tell what that perfect portion would be, my no carb plan, my new Shakeology shakes, the frustrations I feel that each new thing I am trying isn't working, and most importantly how I haven't lost any weight this past year.
So his answer to all of my questions... A very aggressive fill. I had my appointment at 3pm. Way later than usual and therefore when I weighed in I was 209. Wholly Shit! Not good. He wants me to come back in a couple of weeks to see if this large fill really helps. He wants 2 days of liquids and me to continue to write down what I eat.
If this fill doesn't work then he wants to have the next fill adjustment done under an Xray where it is live with contrast dye that I swallow. I have had this done before and it is a pretty cool technology. But is expensive. The last time I had it done which was my first fill, I was already past my deducible so it was covered. Today, I think I would have to pay the full amount. Ouch!
Since my fill, I haven't felt hungry. I had a shake for dinner last night and was fine. This late a morning I am having a packet of watered down oatmeal and some tea. Kinda scared to eat solids but we will try some mushy things first.
So far so good... fingers crossed this works.
p.s. I am burping like crazy. Maybe my band is moving air out to make room for the liquids?
So his answer to all of my questions... A very aggressive fill. I had my appointment at 3pm. Way later than usual and therefore when I weighed in I was 209. Wholly Shit! Not good. He wants me to come back in a couple of weeks to see if this large fill really helps. He wants 2 days of liquids and me to continue to write down what I eat.
If this fill doesn't work then he wants to have the next fill adjustment done under an Xray where it is live with contrast dye that I swallow. I have had this done before and it is a pretty cool technology. But is expensive. The last time I had it done which was my first fill, I was already past my deducible so it was covered. Today, I think I would have to pay the full amount. Ouch!
Since my fill, I haven't felt hungry. I had a shake for dinner last night and was fine. This late a morning I am having a packet of watered down oatmeal and some tea. Kinda scared to eat solids but we will try some mushy things first.
So far so good... fingers crossed this works.
p.s. I am burping like crazy. Maybe my band is moving air out to make room for the liquids?
Monday, September 12, 2011
Minus Zero
The last few weeks I have made more of an effort to work on myself mentally and spiritually. I am learning it all comes full circle. From reading more about how to live my life not in that 'diet' mentality - to going to acupuncture sessions - even meditation. I over all feel pretty good so far about these new choices.
But as I reflect on the last few months I become upset at myself that I haven't lost any weight. I get kinda sad and mad at myself. I know that this new positive mindset I shouldn't be... but I do wish I was down at least some. I am gaining two and then losing two. It is frustrating. Normally I weight myself multiple times thru the week. I am trying my best to not do it everyday. A number shouldn't really upset me.. deep down, it does. The funny thing is I keep being told I am looking thinner. My clothes don't fit me any different and with the scale not moving... I am sure confused.
Year one minus 30lbs.
Year two minus zero.
I have a fill appointment this week with my surgeon. I really need to see what I can do to get the pounds off. Maybe they have some suggestions to get me out of this rut. My band has been tight at times, then way loose at others. Sometimes the same foods don't go down well or they are to dry. It is hard to pin point what works when it is not consistent. Definitely frustrated.
But as I reflect on the last few months I become upset at myself that I haven't lost any weight. I get kinda sad and mad at myself. I know that this new positive mindset I shouldn't be... but I do wish I was down at least some. I am gaining two and then losing two. It is frustrating. Normally I weight myself multiple times thru the week. I am trying my best to not do it everyday. A number shouldn't really upset me.. deep down, it does. The funny thing is I keep being told I am looking thinner. My clothes don't fit me any different and with the scale not moving... I am sure confused.
Year one minus 30lbs.
Year two minus zero.
I have a fill appointment this week with my surgeon. I really need to see what I can do to get the pounds off. Maybe they have some suggestions to get me out of this rut. My band has been tight at times, then way loose at others. Sometimes the same foods don't go down well or they are to dry. It is hard to pin point what works when it is not consistent. Definitely frustrated.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Yoga, Swimming and Meditations
Wow, I do feel a cloud has been lifted and I feel at ease. You may think it is in my head... but if you believe that acupuncture really works... then you know exactly what I mean.
Aside from sleeping like a baby for multiple nights, I have felt less stressed and more calm about what I have control of. Since I have been sleeping so well I feel refreshed when I get up. I haven't felt groggy and grumpy. And wholly shit, I have even been up before the alarm! If you know me, I love my sleep and I hate getting up. I am not a morning person.
Well, well, well... what is a girl to do when she gets up early on weekend.... go to the gym of course. I ended up randomly at the 9am Aqua Fit class. Yep, me and a bunch of old ladies. It was definitely an odd class. I felt very in shape and very young. I didn't really get much of a workout but it was relaxing. I am a fish. I love to be in the water. I haven't been in a pool in a while... and it just felt like I returned home. I grew up swimming and I wanted to be a life guard in my younger days. Reality sunk in and I knew I physically couldn't do it. I wasn't a fast swimmer. Any how... I relaxed in the pool with my ol' peeps... and then after they re-laned the pool I did laps for about 20 minutes until it started to get crowded. It felt so good to swim. I was in heaven and so overwhelmed with joy thru the remaining of the day. I loved it. I have to return.
Not only with the swimming I have been to yoga class 4 times the past 2 weeks. I am so not flexible and I hate every second of the class since I can't flex as much as everyone else. But even though at a quick glance the other people look like they are workin' the poses... look a little closer... they are all shaky and most likely thinking the same thing about themselves. Once the class is over I feel great. That is what matters.
I know I really need to be continually working on myself. So I meditated more this weekend. Just as simple as... laying on the bed, headphones in my ears and calmly breathing. I didn't feel silly doing this in a new place. I kinda thought my bf would joke around about it. But he is very supportive of me doing it. He left me alone and let me do my thing. Maybe because he sees a difference in me so far? I hope so, since I feel it. I want to portray it externally. I want it to work.
I can't wait for my acupuncture appointment tomorrow. I am stoked to tell the doctor.. shamen... guru... tech... whatever you call'em... my results of the previous week. I know when I am at the end of my 6 weeks I will see a difference. In 1 week I have... can't wait to see the long term effects.
Goal for this week: Yoga and eat wisely while traveling.
Weight for today: 199.5 (still kickin' it here)
Aside from sleeping like a baby for multiple nights, I have felt less stressed and more calm about what I have control of. Since I have been sleeping so well I feel refreshed when I get up. I haven't felt groggy and grumpy. And wholly shit, I have even been up before the alarm! If you know me, I love my sleep and I hate getting up. I am not a morning person.
Not only with the swimming I have been to yoga class 4 times the past 2 weeks. I am so not flexible and I hate every second of the class since I can't flex as much as everyone else. But even though at a quick glance the other people look like they are workin' the poses... look a little closer... they are all shaky and most likely thinking the same thing about themselves. Once the class is over I feel great. That is what matters.
I know I really need to be continually working on myself. So I meditated more this weekend. Just as simple as... laying on the bed, headphones in my ears and calmly breathing. I didn't feel silly doing this in a new place. I kinda thought my bf would joke around about it. But he is very supportive of me doing it. He left me alone and let me do my thing. Maybe because he sees a difference in me so far? I hope so, since I feel it. I want to portray it externally. I want it to work.
I can't wait for my acupuncture appointment tomorrow. I am stoked to tell the doctor.. shamen... guru... tech... whatever you call'em... my results of the previous week. I know when I am at the end of my 6 weeks I will see a difference. In 1 week I have... can't wait to see the long term effects.
Goal for this week: Yoga and eat wisely while traveling.
Weight for today: 199.5 (still kickin' it here)
Friday, September 2, 2011
Mellow The F Out
Wednesday was my first Acupuncture appointment. I'd have to say it turned out to be pretty cool and I felt the results. Sounds kinda odd... but I do think this will work to bring my blood pressure down. This is a pretty small company. It is owned by a young couple probably around the same age as I am. I have spoke with both of them and they aren't dirty hippies... ha ha ha... they are very much real medical professionals.
The first initial appointment is set up where the first part of the session is filling out a form for your medical history and the issues you wish to resolve. Then once you go over the forms wit the specialist, they take you into a warm, low lite room. The room is set up for some serious relaxation. I could of fallen asleep in this room. The table you lay on, back down, was so soft. The lights were low and there was some low level ambient music playing. He calmly speaks to you and tell s you each thing he is doing. My session was set up to be in my legs and one needle in my forehead. Right between the eyes. You don't feel a thing.
Once he sets you up with all of the placed needles, he leaves the room.. turns the light off to be a single nightlight and turns the music up slightly. It is warm and cozy now. So you lay there for a certain period of time. You can move but I tried not to since I had never done this before. I took some deep breaths and try to relax. I was in there a total of 30-40 minutes. Within 15 or so... my body started to feel tingly. Like someone was stroking a feather against my skin, a slight tingling began just below my skin. It moved up from my legs to my hips, then up into my arms and chest. It was such a bizarre feeling but felt great one. (And no it wasn't an orgasm dirty birds!) This feeling went on all the way until he removed the needles at the end of the session. I asked him what that was... he smirked and said that I was relaxed and that was my inner Chi.
Whoa buddy!
I have felt more relaxed, happier when I get out of bed, but the big bonus is that I have fallen asleep rock hard for the whole night... never woke up once. That is worth every cent.
I am definitely going back!
In addition to these treatments I have to take herbal supplements to fix my Yen &Yang levels. I have so many vitamins and now 2 more herbal tablets I can fit them into my traveling vitamin tray anymore. So I have upgraded his this bad boy....
Now my vitamins won't make a jingle jangle sound in my purse. Nice and tidy sound proof pouches. Can be found on Magellan's website.
The first initial appointment is set up where the first part of the session is filling out a form for your medical history and the issues you wish to resolve. Then once you go over the forms wit the specialist, they take you into a warm, low lite room. The room is set up for some serious relaxation. I could of fallen asleep in this room. The table you lay on, back down, was so soft. The lights were low and there was some low level ambient music playing. He calmly speaks to you and tell s you each thing he is doing. My session was set up to be in my legs and one needle in my forehead. Right between the eyes. You don't feel a thing.
Once he sets you up with all of the placed needles, he leaves the room.. turns the light off to be a single nightlight and turns the music up slightly. It is warm and cozy now. So you lay there for a certain period of time. You can move but I tried not to since I had never done this before. I took some deep breaths and try to relax. I was in there a total of 30-40 minutes. Within 15 or so... my body started to feel tingly. Like someone was stroking a feather against my skin, a slight tingling began just below my skin. It moved up from my legs to my hips, then up into my arms and chest. It was such a bizarre feeling but felt great one. (And no it wasn't an orgasm dirty birds!) This feeling went on all the way until he removed the needles at the end of the session. I asked him what that was... he smirked and said that I was relaxed and that was my inner Chi.
Whoa buddy!
I have felt more relaxed, happier when I get out of bed, but the big bonus is that I have fallen asleep rock hard for the whole night... never woke up once. That is worth every cent.
I am definitely going back!
In addition to these treatments I have to take herbal supplements to fix my Yen &Yang levels. I have so many vitamins and now 2 more herbal tablets I can fit them into my traveling vitamin tray anymore. So I have upgraded his this bad boy....
Now my vitamins won't make a jingle jangle sound in my purse. Nice and tidy sound proof pouches. Can be found on Magellan's website.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Working Back To Me
Happy people are people that work out! That is totally true. I am back at the gym and it feels great. I feel less stressed and when I am in the gym... it is all about that moment. No bullshit about my personal life or work. It is a place to escape. I am working my way back into getting into that work out mode and making sure I push myself to get back to where I was. I have to work around my injury and not over strain myself. Easy to say. Hard to do. I know that having a month off was not good. I am not starting over with my endurance but I can definitely feel a difference. I know being injured play a huge roll in that but not being active for a whole month... I enjoyed it but I missed my gym time.
I took my second yoga class at my gym. It was many moons ago I took the class. Last time It kicked my ass and wasn't relaxing at all. I think it was because of the instructor was just about the moves and not the stretching and breathing. The class this time was taught by some one my own age and actually took the time to stretch into the positions. The hour went by very quick but I am sure not as limber as I once was. The perfect person to me that I want to be in life is a limber one. I want to be one of those women who can touch their toes and stretch in a downward dog. Me, today, not that person. I am stiff as a stick. I am more focused on trying to follow along than doing the pose right. I really need to practice and work at my flexibility.
I have my first acupuncture session this week! Scared but excited to see if it can help me bring down my blood pressure. I will post if something interesting happens. With trying to chill the F out... I am also trying to learn more about meditation. I don't have a prayer spot just yet. But just reading up on the how-to-do-it. Does anyone else do meditation? I have a few free books on my Kindle that I have started to read. I've got my ambient music ready to go. I just get so tense and internally stressed that I get frustrated, irritated, snippy or build it up to the point I cry. This isn't good. It isn't me. I don't want to be a worry-wart or someone ready to snap. The interesting thing about my journey is that I have feelings now. Before I guess I just played along and masked them with food. Now, I get stressed and worry a lot. I worry about things that aren't even in my own control. I really hope meditation will get me focused and back to my easy going self.
I took my second yoga class at my gym. It was many moons ago I took the class. Last time It kicked my ass and wasn't relaxing at all. I think it was because of the instructor was just about the moves and not the stretching and breathing. The class this time was taught by some one my own age and actually took the time to stretch into the positions. The hour went by very quick but I am sure not as limber as I once was. The perfect person to me that I want to be in life is a limber one. I want to be one of those women who can touch their toes and stretch in a downward dog. Me, today, not that person. I am stiff as a stick. I am more focused on trying to follow along than doing the pose right. I really need to practice and work at my flexibility.
I have my first acupuncture session this week! Scared but excited to see if it can help me bring down my blood pressure. I will post if something interesting happens. With trying to chill the F out... I am also trying to learn more about meditation. I don't have a prayer spot just yet. But just reading up on the how-to-do-it. Does anyone else do meditation? I have a few free books on my Kindle that I have started to read. I've got my ambient music ready to go. I just get so tense and internally stressed that I get frustrated, irritated, snippy or build it up to the point I cry. This isn't good. It isn't me. I don't want to be a worry-wart or someone ready to snap. The interesting thing about my journey is that I have feelings now. Before I guess I just played along and masked them with food. Now, I get stressed and worry a lot. I worry about things that aren't even in my own control. I really hope meditation will get me focused and back to my easy going self.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Taking This Serious
The last week has been a huge realization that I need to really be motivated and be healthy. I thought that being banded would be the key to my success. It has, but to a point. You do still need to work at loosing and constantly reminding yourself of the dream you have. It has been very difficult to be 100% aware of every bite and calorie. In or out. I thought I would feel this sense of freedom from forever being hungry or food dependent. But in all honesty... It still is a battle. I have stopped watching the Food Network and collecting recipes that aren't something I would make. I am trying to switch my brain and learn a new me.
I feel as if I am in this grey area and I feel sometimes stuck.. just waiting for my brain to kick in. I know what I need to do and a dream of this person who I want to be. I am frustrated I am not there yet. I am coming up on my 2 year band date and in the last year I haven't lost any weight. Hoe fucking annoying is that!?! I can't blame anyone or any one thing except for myself. It is hard to not see a difference in the scale when you work out, log foods, suffer and constantly aware of things you "can't eat". It is very tiring.
I guess what has triggered this little grey cloud over my head, is that I went to the doctor for my leg injury and the Dr was more concerned with my blood pressure. I have been fighting going back on medication for over a year. Going back on it is a huge slap to my pride. Being on meds means I am not healthy... Aka What I have not been striving for. It pisses me off. It is genetic.
The pisser is that when I finally agree to taking it, the doctor prescribed me a medicine that causes birth defects. What the fuck! Why would I put that into my body. I hope that there is a different medicine that I could take that doesn't have such a side effect. Definitely read the pharmacy descriptions before taking any medications. Is medicine my only choice for the rest of my life? I really hope that it isn't. I have heard of meditation, herbal supplements and acupuncture could help for a natural cure. I researched it and found a few books. I even have visited and herbalist/acupuncturist this past week for a consultation. I think I am going to try this road for 6 weeks or so, see how it goes, then go from there. Taking prescription drugs just isn't for my any more. Maybe the natural way will work.
So where does this leave me... back into the grey zone of trying to be healthy and to not think about the scale. If I think about the scale and weighing myself too much... I get disappointed. This is not my goal, the goal is to be healthy. Not just try to weight 150lbs. I have been pretty good about not eating carbs. Granted I have ate a few but I am making a larger effort to make sure I follow it.
My bf is very hard on me when I tell him I won't eat carbs, and then he sees me eat something that is bread or rice. He doesn't believe that I can constantly stay focused. He doubts my will power. This really hurts my feelings and makes me feel sad. I tell him I eat better when I am not around him. Which is true. But since he doesn't see me... he doesn't believe me. Ouch! There is always a lot of temptation when I stay at his house or when we go out. He has never had a weight problem and can eat whatever he wants. I wish he had a day in my mind/body so he would understand how it feels to deal with this burden. I think he would understand better, relate, and help me succeed versus scolding me. I don't respond well to that negativity. It makes me want to eat whatever he doesn't want me to eat. How fucked up is that? It is the one thing he is very hard on me about. He wants me to be healthy for us, for our future, for our kids. It is all understandable. I want to be right on the same page with him about that, but battling with the evil me inside... very, very difficult. Still a work in progress and trying to get there.
I feel as if I am in this grey area and I feel sometimes stuck.. just waiting for my brain to kick in. I know what I need to do and a dream of this person who I want to be. I am frustrated I am not there yet. I am coming up on my 2 year band date and in the last year I haven't lost any weight. Hoe fucking annoying is that!?! I can't blame anyone or any one thing except for myself. It is hard to not see a difference in the scale when you work out, log foods, suffer and constantly aware of things you "can't eat". It is very tiring.
I guess what has triggered this little grey cloud over my head, is that I went to the doctor for my leg injury and the Dr was more concerned with my blood pressure. I have been fighting going back on medication for over a year. Going back on it is a huge slap to my pride. Being on meds means I am not healthy... Aka What I have not been striving for. It pisses me off. It is genetic.
The pisser is that when I finally agree to taking it, the doctor prescribed me a medicine that causes birth defects. What the fuck! Why would I put that into my body. I hope that there is a different medicine that I could take that doesn't have such a side effect. Definitely read the pharmacy descriptions before taking any medications. Is medicine my only choice for the rest of my life? I really hope that it isn't. I have heard of meditation, herbal supplements and acupuncture could help for a natural cure. I researched it and found a few books. I even have visited and herbalist/acupuncturist this past week for a consultation. I think I am going to try this road for 6 weeks or so, see how it goes, then go from there. Taking prescription drugs just isn't for my any more. Maybe the natural way will work.
So where does this leave me... back into the grey zone of trying to be healthy and to not think about the scale. If I think about the scale and weighing myself too much... I get disappointed. This is not my goal, the goal is to be healthy. Not just try to weight 150lbs. I have been pretty good about not eating carbs. Granted I have ate a few but I am making a larger effort to make sure I follow it.
My bf is very hard on me when I tell him I won't eat carbs, and then he sees me eat something that is bread or rice. He doesn't believe that I can constantly stay focused. He doubts my will power. This really hurts my feelings and makes me feel sad. I tell him I eat better when I am not around him. Which is true. But since he doesn't see me... he doesn't believe me. Ouch! There is always a lot of temptation when I stay at his house or when we go out. He has never had a weight problem and can eat whatever he wants. I wish he had a day in my mind/body so he would understand how it feels to deal with this burden. I think he would understand better, relate, and help me succeed versus scolding me. I don't respond well to that negativity. It makes me want to eat whatever he doesn't want me to eat. How fucked up is that? It is the one thing he is very hard on me about. He wants me to be healthy for us, for our future, for our kids. It is all understandable. I want to be right on the same page with him about that, but battling with the evil me inside... very, very difficult. Still a work in progress and trying to get there.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Man Up.
I have kept up with my no carb rule until Saturday and Sunday. I did really well by not letting it get me down and make me feel like I have failed my whole no carb rule. I ate a small amount.
Saturday was meant to be a 'free' day since I wanted to make a breakfast that had potatoes in it for my bf. So I ate a small amount of potatoes and then late night we had chocolate covered strawberries. Not too bad right? But my 'free' day turned into two days. Sunday I also ate some carb items too. I had a cinnamon roll and then later for dinner I ate part of a bread roll that came as side. I should of asked for the fruit side but it is sometime just automatic to go for the 'bad' choice. I have to make more aware choices to rule out all of the little things since in the long run it can add up. Still learning. I think I did really well for being out of town for the weekend and not going crazy and letting one bad choice ruin the remaining day.
I made our meals very healthy this past weekend. Granted my bf eats white rice with every meal. It used to temp me all of the time since we ate a lot of the same things. But being the cook - you are in charge. Now, If he wants rice, he has to make it. That is the new rule. So when we travel we bring a mini rice cooker so he can make his rice. I used to have to make it on the stove-top since he didn't know how. But I have out smarted him and bought him the mini travel rice cooker. It is really mini. It only makes like 2 cups of cooked rice each time. It works perfectly for one person and I wont feel obligated to eat the rice to not waste it. It is a win-win situation!
This week will be a good one. ..I am going back to the gym! I have to! I feel so lazy that I haven't worked out because of my bum leg. I can still work out but maybe just not as hard with cardio or my leg workout. I need to work around it. I miss the gym and I feel overall so much better. I know it will be hard at first... but with my new work out shirt motivating me... I will be just fine!
Tomorrow I go back onto my 3 day cleanse. Protein shakes and fruit/veggies. Then to continue the no carb plan for the remaining of the month. My birthday is at the end of the month and I would love to be back at the gym full time and into my perfect routine. I am going to stay focused and positive. Again, I am going to stay focused and positive!
Goal for the week: Gym time!
Weight for today: 199.0
Saturday was meant to be a 'free' day since I wanted to make a breakfast that had potatoes in it for my bf. So I ate a small amount of potatoes and then late night we had chocolate covered strawberries. Not too bad right? But my 'free' day turned into two days. Sunday I also ate some carb items too. I had a cinnamon roll and then later for dinner I ate part of a bread roll that came as side. I should of asked for the fruit side but it is sometime just automatic to go for the 'bad' choice. I have to make more aware choices to rule out all of the little things since in the long run it can add up. Still learning. I think I did really well for being out of town for the weekend and not going crazy and letting one bad choice ruin the remaining day.
I made our meals very healthy this past weekend. Granted my bf eats white rice with every meal. It used to temp me all of the time since we ate a lot of the same things. But being the cook - you are in charge. Now, If he wants rice, he has to make it. That is the new rule. So when we travel we bring a mini rice cooker so he can make his rice. I used to have to make it on the stove-top since he didn't know how. But I have out smarted him and bought him the mini travel rice cooker. It is really mini. It only makes like 2 cups of cooked rice each time. It works perfectly for one person and I wont feel obligated to eat the rice to not waste it. It is a win-win situation!
This week will be a good one. ..I am going back to the gym! I have to! I feel so lazy that I haven't worked out because of my bum leg. I can still work out but maybe just not as hard with cardio or my leg workout. I need to work around it. I miss the gym and I feel overall so much better. I know it will be hard at first... but with my new work out shirt motivating me... I will be just fine!Tomorrow I go back onto my 3 day cleanse. Protein shakes and fruit/veggies. Then to continue the no carb plan for the remaining of the month. My birthday is at the end of the month and I would love to be back at the gym full time and into my perfect routine. I am going to stay focused and positive. Again, I am going to stay focused and positive!
Goal for the week: Gym time!
Weight for today: 199.0
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
5 Simple Goals
1. Try not to think of eating right part of a 'diet' and think long term.
I tend to binge eat or feel guilty when I eat something I know I shouldn't.
2. If we make a 'mistake' don't let it ruin your meals for the rest of the day.
Make note of it and don't repeat.
3. If you have a craving... eat it!
Yeah, you heard me! Eat only a small amount of it though. If you can't control how much, since you get into that zone. Write it down in your food log and how you felt. Usually it is more of a mental reason than really a true craving. I eat when I am frustrated or sad. I know I do this and if I see this in my food log I move on instead of dwell and punish myself. If my mind is negative I will fail.
4. Public Food Log.
I have a chart that I write my food and workouts on. I have it taped to my closet so I see it when I get ready in the morning. This version is my simple log so I stay on track. I still log my foods online thru the BodyMedia website. You can make your own chart in Excel. Mine is a bit more fancy being a Graphic Designer... But as long as you have the basics You are good to go! Add a few positive quotes, photos of yourself or a countdown.
5. Talk to yourself!
As silly as this is, I tell myself to have a positive day and 'think' when I eat first thing in the morning. Even Jillian Michaels talks to herself - We all do. It is proven that staying in a positive mindset - positive things will happen. There was a book written about it called "The Secret". Read it.
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