Taking This Serious

The last week has been a huge realization that I need to really be motivated and be healthy. I thought that being banded would be the key to my success. It has, but to a point. You do still need to work at loosing and constantly reminding yourself of the dream you have. It has been very difficult to be 100% aware of every bite and calorie. In or out. I thought I would feel this sense of freedom from forever being hungry or food dependent. But in all honesty... It still is a battle. I have stopped watching the Food Network and collecting recipes that aren't something I would make. I am trying to switch my brain and learn a new me.

I feel as if I am in this grey area and I feel sometimes stuck.. just waiting for my brain to kick in. I know what I need to do and a dream of this person who I want to be. I am frustrated I am not there yet. I am coming up on my 2 year band date and in the last year I haven't lost any weight. Hoe fucking annoying is that!?! I can't blame anyone or any one thing except for myself. It is hard to not see a difference in the scale when you work out, log foods, suffer and constantly aware of things you "can't eat". It is very tiring.

I guess what has triggered this little grey cloud over my head, is that I went to the doctor for my leg injury and the Dr was more concerned with my blood pressure. I have been fighting going back on medication for over a year. Going back on it is a huge slap to my pride. Being on meds means I am not healthy... Aka What I have not been striving for. It pisses me off. It is genetic.

The pisser is that when I finally agree to taking it, the doctor prescribed me a medicine that causes birth defects. What the fuck! Why would I put that into my body. I hope that there is a different medicine that I could take that doesn't have such a side effect. Definitely read the pharmacy descriptions before taking any medications. Is medicine my only choice for the rest of my life? I really hope that it isn't. I have heard of meditation, herbal supplements and acupuncture could help for a natural cure. I researched it and found a few books. I even have visited and herbalist/acupuncturist this past week for a consultation. I think I am going to try this road for 6 weeks or so, see how it goes, then go from there. Taking prescription drugs just isn't for my any more. Maybe the natural way will work.

So where does this leave me... back into the grey zone of trying to be healthy and to not think about the scale. If I think about the scale and weighing myself too much... I get disappointed. This is not my goal, the goal is to be healthy. Not just try to weight 150lbs. I have been pretty good about not eating carbs. Granted I have ate a few but I am making a larger effort to make sure I follow it.

My bf is very hard on me when I tell him I won't eat carbs, and then he sees me eat something that is bread or rice. He doesn't believe that I can constantly stay focused. He doubts my will power. This really hurts my feelings and makes me feel sad. I tell him I eat better when I am not around him. Which is true. But since he doesn't see me... he doesn't believe me. Ouch! There is always a lot of temptation when I stay at his house or when we go out. He has never had a weight problem and can eat whatever he wants. I wish he had a day in my mind/body so he would understand how it feels to deal with this burden. I think he would understand better, relate, and help me succeed versus scolding me. I don't respond well to that negativity. It makes me want to eat whatever he doesn't want me to eat. How fucked up is that? It is the one thing he is very hard on me about. He wants me to be healthy for us, for our future, for our kids. It is all understandable. I want to be right on the same page with him about that, but battling with the evil me inside... very, very difficult. Still a work in progress and trying to get there.