What I really need to do in life is make good choices, right? I am given a gift, an opportunity, an automatic left hand turn on a cross road intersection... and yet I go out of town and vaca for 2 days... I am off my normal eating good path. What the hell. I didn't eat the most perfect meals this weekend. I know right from wrong when I order dinner at a restaurant... but yet this little fatty girl who has such negative thoughts and resembles an older version of myself... sits on my shoulder and tells me "oh you are on vacation! Who cares about calories! What band?!" Then I order too much food and too much of crap. I know it isn't the end of the world but dammit I so just want to flick that little bugger off of my shoulder. Why does she haunt me so!?! Why does she want to sabotage my success.
I am tired of the old me, tired of that doubt.
I just read Amy's blog -slash- vlog this afternoon - you know Amy from Sunkist! (Luv yah girl!) And she was mentioning something in regards to a mental mind frame of her self thinner. She looks amazing but isn't at her goal just yet. What she is sayin' is totally true. A positive mind frame will only reap rewards. Right? Her post comes at a perfect time for me. Funny how that works. I think I really have get focus on that future me, picturing myself 10, 20, 30 pounds less. I never thought I would be 200 when I was 230... but now that I am here... I know I just gotta keep on going and know I can reach my goal of 150. It just isn't about dreaming about the "oh one day" It is about making it happen and making it REAL!
Goal for this week: I am going out of town for work. 3 days. Gotta be focused and make good travel food choices.
Weight for today: I didn't weigh myself this morning.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
30 POUNDS
I finally made it to loosing 30 pounds! I am so excited. It is perfect timing that I had a fill last week and reached my 8 months.
Since my fill last week, I finally get what everyone feels. I feel restriction and the feeling that I just couldn't eat any more food cause I AM FULL! What a great feeling. I wish I would of felt this a few months ago. But I can't think about the what-ifs. I am here in the present and gotta do what I need to be in ONEDERLAND! One more pound and I am there. It is an amazing feeling to be full thru the whole day and drinking water really has helped me. (Do you see the light bulb above my head)
Prior to stepping on the scale this morning for my weekly weigh in... I made a paper link chain. One of my friends had made me one many moons ago to count down the days till I got to go back home when I was home sick in college. It is a great way to get excited again... I am using it for my weight loss.
I made one pound, one link. Each link I wrote how much I would weigh and every 10 pounds I wrote a little motivational comment. I hung it around the door way.
Goal for this week: H20
Weight for today: 200
Since my fill last week, I finally get what everyone feels. I feel restriction and the feeling that I just couldn't eat any more food cause I AM FULL! What a great feeling. I wish I would of felt this a few months ago. But I can't think about the what-ifs. I am here in the present and gotta do what I need to be in ONEDERLAND! One more pound and I am there. It is an amazing feeling to be full thru the whole day and drinking water really has helped me. (Do you see the light bulb above my head)
Prior to stepping on the scale this morning for my weekly weigh in... I made a paper link chain. One of my friends had made me one many moons ago to count down the days till I got to go back home when I was home sick in college. It is a great way to get excited again... I am using it for my weight loss.
I made one pound, one link. Each link I wrote how much I would weigh and every 10 pounds I wrote a little motivational comment. I hung it around the door way.
Goal for this week: H20
Weight for today: 200
Friday, June 18, 2010
8 Months
Oh full, oh how I have missed you so! Yesterday I had a fill and this morning I actually feel the difference. I usually just gulp down my protein shake but today I drank it with a straw. I didn't even finish it. I only got thru half of it. And I feel full. Yey Fill!
Seriously, 8 month marker is tomorrow and this is just a great reason to celebrate it. I have had my struggles the past month but I feel as if things are changing. I am kicked back into gear and revved up for my next GOAL. So until next month's marker when I take photos and post them I will be down... I just know it! During the next month I also have to go to a support group meeting, log my foods once again, and keep up with my water intake that I start today.
Seriously, 8 month marker is tomorrow and this is just a great reason to celebrate it. I have had my struggles the past month but I feel as if things are changing. I am kicked back into gear and revved up for my next GOAL. So until next month's marker when I take photos and post them I will be down... I just know it! During the next month I also have to go to a support group meeting, log my foods once again, and keep up with my water intake that I start today.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Goal 0.5 Met
Yeah that's right my mini goal of getting filled happened today. I am now 9cc. I stressed to my surgeon how frustrated the past month or so has been. I wasn't sure if he would really give me a fill or not since I thought I would be getting 'full' at 8ccs. I of course was honest with my confessions and behaviors. I know I am not eating the best some times and I do eat out on the weekends.... I didn't realize how little water I am drinking! I am just not a thirsty person... I like vita waters but really don't reach for a glass of water until I am home from work. I request water when I go to a restaurant but really that is it.
I need to change how I view water... I don't see it as a bad thing.. i just have to think of it as something I need to do 30 minutes prior to eating & 1 hour after. If I drink a glass at each of those set times i think it will help curve that hunger. Right now I just eat instead of drink. Gotta get that in my head!
So now that my 0.5 goal is met... I now need to work on GOAL 1 - loose 10 pounds by August Birthday... I will start with drinking more water.
I need to change how I view water... I don't see it as a bad thing.. i just have to think of it as something I need to do 30 minutes prior to eating & 1 hour after. If I drink a glass at each of those set times i think it will help curve that hunger. Right now I just eat instead of drink. Gotta get that in my head!
So now that my 0.5 goal is met... I now need to work on GOAL 1 - loose 10 pounds by August Birthday... I will start with drinking more water.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Beach time!
The beach season is here! Yeah it is a bit chilly still but on a nice day, no wind, it is perfect. I have been to the beach twice in the last 2 weeks. The first weekend I wore my bikini but never got out of my sundress. In fact it was so windy that I put a sweatshirt on and laid there with my towel over me. This weekend we went again but after the gym. So we had our gym clothes on and just sat under the umbrella for an hour of relaxation. Still a bit chilly when the wind blew. I did wish I had my bathing suit with me though. I think 3 times is a charm and maybe next weekend when we go it will finally be a perfect enough day to really be at the beach with my bikini on. Still working on the confidence but overall I feel pretty good about removing the sundress next time.
This weekend I again did my bootie buster work out. I up'ed my game this time and did twice as many reps. I do it in front of the mirror so I can watch my form. But instead of watching my form... I was checking myself out. I noticed that I have no shelf ass... that instead of seeing the trunk full of junk... it was a nice slimming line from my back to my butt. I also noticed how small my waist is getting... it is nice inward curves instead of chunky rolls! I think since I felt so vain looking at myself I just had to do a harder workout. It is great to work out and actually see results. That knowing all the hard work really does pay off. Granted the scale hasn't moved but progress indeed!
I am looking forward to my fill appointment this Thursday. I really want to talk to my surgeon about my struggles... I know for sure he will say "up your water intake, eat my proteins first". I know I haven't been the perfect bandster but a little more help might just be the trick to Onederland.
Goal for this week: Get a fill.
Weight for today: I spaced it this morning! I will adjust post tomorrow.
This weekend I again did my bootie buster work out. I up'ed my game this time and did twice as many reps. I do it in front of the mirror so I can watch my form. But instead of watching my form... I was checking myself out. I noticed that I have no shelf ass... that instead of seeing the trunk full of junk... it was a nice slimming line from my back to my butt. I also noticed how small my waist is getting... it is nice inward curves instead of chunky rolls! I think since I felt so vain looking at myself I just had to do a harder workout. It is great to work out and actually see results. That knowing all the hard work really does pay off. Granted the scale hasn't moved but progress indeed!
I am looking forward to my fill appointment this Thursday. I really want to talk to my surgeon about my struggles... I know for sure he will say "up your water intake, eat my proteins first". I know I haven't been the perfect bandster but a little more help might just be the trick to Onederland.
Goal for this week: Get a fill.
Weight for today: I spaced it this morning! I will adjust post tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Perception
I was looking back at some photos me me from the past few years and really took a second to think that what I look like now, is what I thought I looked like then. Boy my own perception was waaaay off! It never occurred to me how BIG I really was until now. It saddens me to know that I didn't even see me own self as 230 pounds.
Here is how I recall it:
High school in 1996 I weighed 170.
My freshman year in college I gained 15 pounds. At the end of my Freshman year 1997 I took phen-pen and lost 25 pounds within 2.5 months. I remember weighing almost 150lbs then. I was so happy, guys were paying attention to me and always complementing me. I thought I was on top of the world.
Over the years thru college I gained the weight back but wasn't ever above 190. I think it was b/c I walked or rode my bike all the time. Where I lived everything was in walking distance or you rode your bike.
After college I started working at jobs that I sat all day. Plus I then had the money to eat out a lot. So I gradually got myself to be above 200.
In 2005 I did a liquid diet thru a weight loss clinic. I had lost less than 25 pounds and got down to 190.
Over the next few years I was in a relationship and all we did was eat eat and eat. He was a big guy , over 300 pounds and 6'3. I thought I could eat like him. I gained all the weight I had lost plus more back. Not putting blame to him but just the fact I could eat the same about as a guy of that size. Pretty crazy! Glad him and his eating habits are outta my life! ha ha ha
In 2007 I worked my way between 220 and 235. I tired doing the liquid diet again but i kept failing. Loose 5 - Gain 10. I attempted to get banded at this time but my insurance declined me at the last minute. I think it was because I was on Cobra a the end of this process. I was really bummed about not being able to proceed. Nor did I have the money. I even consulted a financial planner to see how I could take my 401k out! Call me crazy!
2007 is also when I met my current boyfriend! My life I was so happy, so in love with my boyfriend, so UNhappy about my weight. He is a positive person and small eater :-) Skinny his whole life and for sure doesn't understand the word Dieting. He is no more than 160 and has a metabolism that we are all jealous of. I love him tons! He thought I could loose weight on my own. He stuck by my side this past year even though it wasn't something he wanted me to do. He didn't want anything wrong to happen.
End of 2009 I was approved - started this blog - and less than 2 months later was banded in October 2009. My weight at that time was 230. Even though the scale said those numbers I really never felt that big in my mind.
Today my perceptions are so much different of myself and who I was, who I am now, and who I will become.
Here is how I recall it:
High school in 1996 I weighed 170.
My freshman year in college I gained 15 pounds. At the end of my Freshman year 1997 I took phen-pen and lost 25 pounds within 2.5 months. I remember weighing almost 150lbs then. I was so happy, guys were paying attention to me and always complementing me. I thought I was on top of the world.
Over the years thru college I gained the weight back but wasn't ever above 190. I think it was b/c I walked or rode my bike all the time. Where I lived everything was in walking distance or you rode your bike.
After college I started working at jobs that I sat all day. Plus I then had the money to eat out a lot. So I gradually got myself to be above 200.
In 2005 I did a liquid diet thru a weight loss clinic. I had lost less than 25 pounds and got down to 190.
Over the next few years I was in a relationship and all we did was eat eat and eat. He was a big guy , over 300 pounds and 6'3. I thought I could eat like him. I gained all the weight I had lost plus more back. Not putting blame to him but just the fact I could eat the same about as a guy of that size. Pretty crazy! Glad him and his eating habits are outta my life! ha ha ha
In 2007 I worked my way between 220 and 235. I tired doing the liquid diet again but i kept failing. Loose 5 - Gain 10. I attempted to get banded at this time but my insurance declined me at the last minute. I think it was because I was on Cobra a the end of this process. I was really bummed about not being able to proceed. Nor did I have the money. I even consulted a financial planner to see how I could take my 401k out! Call me crazy!
2007 is also when I met my current boyfriend! My life I was so happy, so in love with my boyfriend, so UNhappy about my weight. He is a positive person and small eater :-) Skinny his whole life and for sure doesn't understand the word Dieting. He is no more than 160 and has a metabolism that we are all jealous of. I love him tons! He thought I could loose weight on my own. He stuck by my side this past year even though it wasn't something he wanted me to do. He didn't want anything wrong to happen.
End of 2009 I was approved - started this blog - and less than 2 months later was banded in October 2009. My weight at that time was 230. Even though the scale said those numbers I really never felt that big in my mind.
Today my perceptions are so much different of myself and who I was, who I am now, and who I will become.
Setting Goals
I feel as if I need to set some goals. I think if I add them to my blog it will make it official. Then I HAVE to do them. My weight loss has been pretty darn slow lately. Mentally struggling and scale struggles... Argh!
Goal 0.5:
(I can have half goals right?) To get a fill next week.
Goal 1:
My birthday is at the end of August - I would like to loose 10 pounds by then (190 lbs.) Turning 32 I would love to be in the 100s. Start a new year off right.
Goal 2:
Cruise in Sept - I would like to be able to wear my striped bikini bottoms then. Currently they are a bit snug as mentioned in previous post.
Goal 3:
October is my 1 year mark - I would like to loose 20 pounds by then (180 lbs.) This isn't my grand goal weight but for now I think this is a manageable mark to start with. I have 4 months and counting....
Goal 0.5:
(I can have half goals right?) To get a fill next week.
Goal 1:
My birthday is at the end of August - I would like to loose 10 pounds by then (190 lbs.) Turning 32 I would love to be in the 100s. Start a new year off right.
Goal 2:
Cruise in Sept - I would like to be able to wear my striped bikini bottoms then. Currently they are a bit snug as mentioned in previous post.
Goal 3:
October is my 1 year mark - I would like to loose 20 pounds by then (180 lbs.) This isn't my grand goal weight but for now I think this is a manageable mark to start with. I have 4 months and counting....
Monday, June 7, 2010
All Ears!
I am really making a BIG effort to slow down when I eat and listen to the band telling me I am full. I have get my mind fixed on it and in that mode of working with her! I just am feeling like even though my body is still changing I just want the scale to change as well. I am still holding on to the 200s for WAY TOO LONG! It's a new week and new rules!
I have mixed up my work out routine to some new weights and focus areas. I am hoping that doing more circuit training will help. I feel it has so far. The first circuit I did was really hard but not it is a bit easier and i can move thru it quicker. This is great but i think if I mix it up more often my body will benefit from it.
A funny thing happened when I went to Costco this week. Once I was at the register and placing my items on the counter, I really took a look at what I was buying. I looked like a health conscious person. There was no junk in my cart. Soy Milk, Vita water, plums, blackberries, Acai juice, Turkey jerky. It made me feel pretty great that I was making great choices for myself and the new life I lead!
Goal for this week: Listen
Weight for today: 201
I have mixed up my work out routine to some new weights and focus areas. I am hoping that doing more circuit training will help. I feel it has so far. The first circuit I did was really hard but not it is a bit easier and i can move thru it quicker. This is great but i think if I mix it up more often my body will benefit from it.
A funny thing happened when I went to Costco this week. Once I was at the register and placing my items on the counter, I really took a look at what I was buying. I looked like a health conscious person. There was no junk in my cart. Soy Milk, Vita water, plums, blackberries, Acai juice, Turkey jerky. It made me feel pretty great that I was making great choices for myself and the new life I lead!
Goal for this week: Listen
Weight for today: 201
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
June Already!
It is June, Can you believe how time has flown by. Summertime has officially begun. Bikini Here I come... well maybe not yet...
I think I spent the whole weekend eating. No, Seriously. And what do I get... I get a 1 pound weight loss. Mmmm I don't get it. I swear I ate like no other. So when I try I don't loose but when I am eating like a little oink oink I loose a pound. Something wrong here. Here is the run down of all of my sins...
Friday was pizza and movie night. I had three slices.
Saturday had two slices of pizza for breakfast. Then it was off to a little kids birthday party full of high calorie bites. 2 cups of Noodles, 1 Cupcake, pineapple and grapes, 3 mini sweet rolls, 2 short ribs, cake, 2 rice crispy treats. All over a time period of 4 hours.
Sunday was the gym with only 15 minute cardio but my bootie buster work out and weights. Followed by dinner out for Pho noodles, 2 egg rolls, Halo Halo (shaved ice with sweet beans and coconut milk).
Monday we went shopping and ate out at a seafood restaurant. A few hours of strolling followed up with 3 scallops, veggies and coleslaw. Later on having 2 sugar cookies, a slice of pound cake, and pineapple. I tried on a bunch of clothes but didn't really buy anything since I kept trying on size 14. Not there just yet.
I am looking forward to my fill appointment on the 17th.
Goal for this week: So close... can I loose 2 more pounds this week?
Weight for today: 201
I think I spent the whole weekend eating. No, Seriously. And what do I get... I get a 1 pound weight loss. Mmmm I don't get it. I swear I ate like no other. So when I try I don't loose but when I am eating like a little oink oink I loose a pound. Something wrong here. Here is the run down of all of my sins...
Friday was pizza and movie night. I had three slices.
Saturday had two slices of pizza for breakfast. Then it was off to a little kids birthday party full of high calorie bites. 2 cups of Noodles, 1 Cupcake, pineapple and grapes, 3 mini sweet rolls, 2 short ribs, cake, 2 rice crispy treats. All over a time period of 4 hours.
Sunday was the gym with only 15 minute cardio but my bootie buster work out and weights. Followed by dinner out for Pho noodles, 2 egg rolls, Halo Halo (shaved ice with sweet beans and coconut milk).
Monday we went shopping and ate out at a seafood restaurant. A few hours of strolling followed up with 3 scallops, veggies and coleslaw. Later on having 2 sugar cookies, a slice of pound cake, and pineapple. I tried on a bunch of clothes but didn't really buy anything since I kept trying on size 14. Not there just yet.
I am looking forward to my fill appointment on the 17th.
Goal for this week: So close... can I loose 2 more pounds this week?
Weight for today: 201
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