I am trying to remember what it felt like to be heavier... It seems like a faded memory but is slowly becoming harder to remember.
- I had to grip the steering wheel to pull myself out of the car
- Tying my shoes (oh wait I always wore flip flops since I hated not being able to breathe bending over)
- Having people give me quick hugs since they couldn't get their arms completely around me
- How my shirts always bunched up on my back side and how long they looked on the hanger - but they looked short on me since my tummy used all the fabric to cover it
- I had to extend my arms further out to be able to grab a box and carry it in front of the boobs
- Not being able to cross my legs like a girl - I could cross my legs but it was more like how a guy can
- I was always the funny girl who felt in the shadows of her friends
- If things were shitty I would comfort myself with hitting up a junk food drive thru
- I thought it was okay just to be present not part of things
- I thought being on prescription medicines was the way of life
I wondered what I would feel like down the line once I was banded. I always wanted to be a certain person in my mind. But today I am somewhat the person I want to be. I am still not there 100%. I wonder if I will ever be that 'perfect' image of myself. Today, I can tell you I am trying my hardest to get there. Today, I am a hell of a lot better person, stronger, passionate, caring and very thankful for those around me. Life is such a precious gift and not to be taken for granted. I know that some of my friendships have faded but I also feel that those who have stuck with me - our relationships have grown. These people make me stronger. I couldn't of gone this far and been this disciplined if I didn't have those people around.
Each day is hard. It is a constant battle to count calories. To be 100% accountable for my actions and consequences. It is hard to find a healthy mindset when being tempted. But being banded is helping me get to this 'perfect' person I so much want to be. I know she is in reach now. This person is who motivates me and who I see in my head when I need to step it up at the gym or my mindset. When I need that little boost.
What is it that motivates you?
Who do you see in your head?
Right now I am trying to get down to a size 12 so I can buy some new clothes. To loose 10 pounds before my vacation in July. To feel good about myself and how I look at my brother's wedding in November - I want to knock'em dead when I see my family and friends. I also feel like even though I have not lost much weight for a LONG time now I am still improving my strength mentally and physically. I am also trying to have better posturer - I hunch over when I sit at my desk all day. I have tummy muscles now, So I need to use them. The light is getting easier to see at the end of my tunnel. I just have to stay on track and I will eventually get there.
Goal for this week: Keep being positive and strong at the gym. Don't let the fat girl mentality ruin a good day.
Weight for today:
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