1 YEAR 6 MONTHS

Today marks my 1 and a half year mark!

I would love to say that I am happy at where I am at from what I used to weigh but yet, I am definitely not happy about not loosing much since 3 months ago. In fact, I am up to 203lbs today. I am in shock. I am sad. I am very mad at myself. I know that scale number is well... just a number...and it should have no effect on me and my mind set... but it does.
It haunts me.
It changes how I face my day.
It gets me down and I make bad choices.
I even can get snippy to those who don't deserve it.

If you would of told me 3 - 6 months ago I would be at the same weight I would of given you the stink eye. It is amazing how hard I worked to get to 197, and how little effort I needed to make to get back to 203. I have worked hard on being active. Making it count at the gym. But on the other hand, I have not made as much effort with eating right. I did my no carb diet for 3 weeks. It made me feel like I was back on track. I felt more energy thru my day. I felt like I was toning up. Then 1 week after starting my no carb diet, I got my BodyMedia Fit arm band to help keep me even more accountable. I love the damn thing. It is great. It doesn't lie.

I guess I have gone thru some ups and downs in my years of battling my weight. It is not easy. Being banded is not easy. It is hard to keep up with being 100 percent conscious of what you eat, how you eat, how slow you have to eat, it encompasses a lot of your life. I don't regret being banded. I would never want to give it back. It is who I am. I have gone on some pretty insane diets in the past, but being banded is no diet. It is a life. This is the first time ever that I have been able to keep off weight for over 1 year. I would usually loose some and gain it all back, plus 10. It was a viscous cycle. Being banded has helped me break that pattern. It still freaks me out that I do have something foreign in my body tied around my tummy. That I actually did get surgery.

I am living in this grey area on what I know I should be eating, and what I am eating. I am very nervous about going to my surgeon this week for my check up. I am not sure he will give me a fill. I don't know what to tell him. I have to be honest. I am going to confess my bad food choices. I am also going to tell him how I don't feel as restricted as I did the first week he filled me last time. It is like telling your parents you did something bad and you know they are going to punish you. Granted I know my doctor wont do this but I know what he will tell me. It is a nervous feeling since I haven't been the perfect bandster. It is going to be a clean slate. A day to refresh my mind and body.

I know I need to change what I am doing. It isn't working. I felt that the no carb diet really got me back into feeling good, eating right, taking my vitamins, and drinking lots of water. It was successful for me. I want to return to doing no carbs. That means no more crap food, sweets, fruits.... sugar sugar sugar... I did great without it, then got hooked to eating it again. My body was acting like a sugar addict. Every second I thought about what super sugary foods I could eat. It was bad, a very dark place. It needs to be my past and something I have to learn from. I need to move forward onto eating right.

There is a new billboard on the way home from work. It is a Lapband 1-800-GET THIN Ad. It is a lady eating a bowl of fruit with a light and sweet smile on her face. It is a SIGN for me!

Eating right, working out, taking vitamins, drinking water... are all simple steps I HAVE to do to keep me on track. I am going to get back into the no carb diet for real this time. I am going to open that Atkins book and the 4 Hour Body... re read - re charge.... so then when I blog about 1 year 9 months I will have something grand to say.

Weight for today: 203