X-Ray Live Recording

Monday I checked into the hospital to get my fill done under the X-ray. Before I had it done where they insert the needle into your side to do the fill right after you drink contrast fluid. They watch it live on a monitor so they know they have the right amount and flow of the fluid versus the amount in the new fill. It was really cool last time since it was live feed and I could watch. Granted I didn't look at the larger needle they stuck in my side. As long as I am numbed I am fine with all of this.

This time I didn't have the fill done as I thought I was going to have done that day. I was taken to the X-ray room where they took one still image of my mid-section. Then angled the table so I am basically standing up with the video machine in front of me. I drank the fluid - let gravity do it's thing while they recorded the fluid moving thru my throat into stomach. I had to angle myself a few different ways and drink more contrast fluids. This time it was a thick white creamy paste like drink since I am allergic to contrast dye. I guess less people have a reaction to this kind. Tastes pretty damn gross and doesn't come out very nicely either... sorry TMI.

The second half of the recording they had the machine tilt me back to be laying down on my back. I had to drink two big gulps of the fluid and roll 180 degrees around. They wanted the fluid to coat my stomach. Kind of funny but it makes sense. After that I then laid on my stomach, drinking more fluid while they recorded the fluid go down this way.

I kept asking them when they were going to do the fill. They looked confused as much as I was. I honestly was expecting a fill under he X-ray again. But this time they just wanted to record the data and then send it to my surgeon. At that time he will check to see if I need a fill based upon the footage. The still shot X-ray was to compare the present location to the implant date. They told me right away that it hadn't moved or developed any irregularities.

So here I wait, till I hear back from my doctor to see what I should do next. Mean while I am still juicing, still having big salads for lunch and making an effort when we eat out not to eat fried or bread/pastas. I really would like to be down to 180 for the wedding. Most of all I would like to be 180 to start trying to get pregnant shortly after the wedding. That is only 20 pounds... and some change. I know I can do it!


Goal for this week: Sweat it out - "Sweat is fat crying!"

Weight for today: 205

Wedding Boot Camp - Start Button

I have been looking forward to this day where I can actually say I AM GETTING MARRIED! Oh my god... ecstatic really! We just got engaged over this past weekend. Totally perfect day; sunny and warm walk on the beach. Couldn't image a better proposal. 

I am so happy!

The one thing this means is that even before setting a date or any planning has begun... the first thing on my mind is loosing some weight. How sad it that! Now I have to get into Wedding Boot Camp mode to focus on what I am eating and how much calories I am burning at the gym. 

Fresh juices, Protein Shakes, Lean meats and no carbs are in my near future.

This past week I spoke with my surgeon about how frustrated I am that even though I am eating better than I have in a long time, the scale isn't moving. So instead of having a fill in his office I am going to have it done under the X-Ray on Monday. I have had this done before right when I was first banded and it went great. It is expensive but since I met my deductible for the year I have to have it done before the end of the calendar year. 

I am concerned that even when he gives me a decent fill it doesn't last and why doesn't it last? Sure, it looses it's luster but how can I eat 2 cups of dense meat in one sitting and 1. Be able to eat that amount and 2. Where is my restriction? Then at times I take one bite of something and poof 'I am stuck'. There just isn't any consistency. And when I do have restriction it is only maybe 30% of the time. I just don't get it.

Wish me luck on Monday! A fill and starting my Wedding Boot Camp. Eak! A BIG day. 

Goal for the week: Water (yes still I suck at it and have to remind myself daily)

Weight for today: 205

Mean Greens and Energy

Last week I blogged about how better I am feeling and how ODD it was I woke up at 6:30am to do chores around the house with such joy. Well later on that day I even started my juicer up. I have been wanting to juice since I saw the Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead movie. Luckily I already had a juicer so it didn't really cost me much to start it. When I first was banded I thought that I would constantly make my own juices while on my liquid diet. So I bought a juicer. I had only made fresh juice twice then stored my juicer away. Two years later here I am using it again....

I have a Brevelle Juicer. They can be pretty expensive but I have the lower cost version that is a compact style. I found it on amazon for under $90.

I didn't have a set recipe I wanted to follow so I just got a bunch of items and threw it in. The first time I made this version of juice I didn't put that many apples in it. I think the apples are a must if you have a lot of greens. I used.... kale, chard, celery, carrots, cucumbers, ginger, green and red apples, a but of lime. I also defrosted some strawberries and berry medley mix I had in the freezer just to see what it could add to the flavor. Next time I will add fresh strawberries since it didn't do much for sweetness. There is a lot of produce here since I made enough to yield 2 portions.

I drank some for dinner and couldn't even finish the one glass. When you first make it, the juice is kinda frothy but really filling. The remaining I drank the next day wasn't as good tasting but still very filling. I have never had kale or chard in my life and now I am interested in making them in a meal for a side.

Last week I juiced for 4-5 meals. And I even got up early a second day. I got up to run the hill by my house. I felt great that I got up and ran at 7am. I made some coffee before I left the house so I can have a cup of hot coffee when I got back from the cold morning air. I felt so energetic thru my whole day. It is such a great feeling. I have a lot more energy!

Over the weekend we also did the "bootie buster hill" that I would always have to stop half way when I weighted 230. I didn't even stop or breathe heavy. Even managed to run part of the dirt trail at the top of the hill. The area is called Torrey Pines State Beach. At the top of this hill that most tourist drive up, is an outlook of the coastline, a state park and a bunch of walking trails. I think it is one of San Diego's hidden gems. My boyfriend kept saying how proud of me he was that I just kept going and then how surprised he was that all of a sudden I started to run on the trail. It made me feel great that I did it and also he was shocked.

Goals This Week: So this week I will get up early two more days and run the hill near my house, I will juice thru the week. I think my blood pressure is down as well! Whoo hoo

Weight For Today: 203 lbs.

Is This What Motivation Feels Like?

Today I woke up at 6:30 am which is kinda odd to me since I love my sleep. I woke up right away and started laundry, cleaned up, even made myself breakfast at home... All before work. Now, if you know me this is very rare that I get up before 8am to go to work. I don't have to be to work until 9am. And even then I am late. I hate being late to things but for some reason WORK I am ALWAYS late for no matter how much I try. Today, something different happened... phases of the moon, the red sea dividing, pigs flying... whatever it was I feel very proud that I have done so much today before work and don't feel sluggish one bit. Very energetic - feels kinda off but right at the same time.

Last night I stocked up on veggies and fruits to start making a few fresh juices for the week. The Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead movie has inspired me in a way. I figured with protein shakes, juices, big salads, yogurts, nuts... that I would be good to eat healthy for the next 2 weeks. Might even shoot for a goal of eating better until Christmas. You know, as time frame for motivation. Cause it has been way to long since I have ate like a perfect bandster.

If I can keep myself getting up early on the days I don't go to the gym... which would be only 2 week days. I could make a huge difference in my work out schedule and motivation. I think if I am eating the right foods, get plenty of exercise, and not over sleep... I could feel this great (or better) everyday. You are what you eat right? If I eat good then I will feel good. Seems logical.


For some greatness to God, I am down 2 pounds and I didn't really try that hard. I just have stopped eating out as much. For awhile there, I was eating out like an old habit that made me 230 pounds. Not good one bit. Now I am mentally back and determined. I gotta run with it... I gotta stick to it... I gotta be accountable for my food choices. I have the working out part down but eating right is a must. They work hand in hand.

To top things off I am still pretty pissed off at myself that I had creeped back into the 200's so easily. It came back so easy after I had worked hard to get the last bit off just to get into the 190's.

Now today I am 204lbs. 
Not proud of that number one bit. 
Not proud that I am 2 years out of being banded and I was at -32 now at -26. 
That isn't where I want to be and nor should I be.
Come on... 2 year I have only lost -26 pounds when I should be down to my goal weight of 150lbs.
Motivation Folks, Motivation!


Goal for this Week: Make some really great tasting fresh juices.

Weight for today: 204lbs.

Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead

I highly suggest everyone to watch a documentary called "Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead". Sounds like some kooky crazy film but in all actuality it was pretty informative and has changed the way I see what I am eating. My little light bulb is a bit brighter.

Granted I love to eat bad foods but now I am seriously thinking about busting out my juicer and at least having one homemade fresh juice per day or a few times a week.

_

Joe Cross (right)  juicing up on the road with his
battery powered Juicer!
Now who says you can't eat right while traveling!

100 pounds overweight, loaded up on steroids and suffering from a debilitating autoimmune disease, Joe Cross is at the end of his rope and the end of his hope. In the mirror he saw a 310lb man whose gut was bigger than a beach ball and a path laid out before him that wouldn't end well— with one foot already in the grave, the other wasn't far behind. FAT, SICK & NEARLY DEAD is an inspiring film that chronicles Joe's personal mission to regain his health.

With doctors and conventional medicines unable to help long- term, Joe turns to the only option left, the body's ability to heal itself. He trades in the junk food and hits the road with juicer and generator in tow, vowing only to drink fresh fruit and vegetable juice for the next 60 days. Across 3,000 miles Joe has one goal in mind: To get off his pills and achieve a balanced lifestyle.

While talking to more than 500 Americans about food, health and longevity, it's at a truck stop in Arizona where Joe meets a truck driver who suffers from the same rare condition. Phil Staples is morbidly obese weighing in at 429 lbs; a cheeseburger away from a heart-attack. As Joe is recovering his health, Phil begins his own epic journey to get well.

What emerges is nothing short of amazing – an inspiring tale of healing and human connection.

Part road trip, part self-help manifesto, FAT, SICK & NEARLY DEAD defies the traditional documentary format to present an unconventional and uplifting story of two men from different worlds who each realize that the only person who can save them is themselves.

_

Check out the movie and let me know what you think!

http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/index.html

Rent it on Netflix for free this thanksgiving weekend.

Silk Number

It has been a few weeks since I have last posted. There has been a lot going on in the personal life but not much going on in my band life. 

I have stuck to the new work out routine until the time changed and I dont feel safe running in a dark street anymore. I have to find a way to still be able to fit in my hill run. It isn't as easy to do it after work like before. I get out of work when it is dark now. If I had more motivation and wasn't such a sleeper I would do it before I went to work. That I would really have to try to do. I think I would fail within the first week. 

It has been a crazy past 2 weeks. my brother got married and we have had lots of family in town for more than just the weekend. All week. Granted they aren't high maintenance but we just ate out more. The whole deal with my brother's wedding that really bothered me was that I wasn't in it. I had helped out with the invitations and the signage - even hosting the rehearsal dinner. Since I was kinda hurt about it - I figured to make up for it I would get even more dressed up. I hoped that people would of kept the focus on how I looked versus 1. Not being in the wedding and 2. "When are you and your boyfriend going to get married" question. I swear every person I spoke with that night asked. It was very annoying. No need to ask when they already know we are on that path. So all in all my plan of looking great only went so far. The master plan didn't work....

.. or maybe it did? I felt great. Got a good buzz on. Danced. Visited with both sides of my family. Had lots of fun.

I may be struggling with my weight loss but the band has allowed me to fit in this size 14 satin number and feel as radiant as it is blue. I would of never worn it before. Cheers to that!

In my last post I told you I was going to wear that purple dress... It fit perfectly BUT it was to casual. So I went out and found the blue dress. The purple dress I wore to the rehearsal dinner. After the dinner, I ended up ripping the side seam area chasing after my neighbors dog that ran across our busy street, in the rain. The things we do for cute fluffy dogs... It was pretty funny but now I have to learn how to sew it.

Goal for this week: Drink lots of water and find time to fit in the new hill run.

Weight for today: 205

Shabby Apple - Fit to Flatter Dresses

I am so excited to share this with you. I have found a website that has nothing to do with banding but all to do with the joy of dress shopping!

I came across this site from GroupOn. Last year I used my GroupOn web code to get a 2 for 1 price on these adorable dresses. Today I purchased another dress and I can't wait for it to be shipped.

I know I hate finding clothes online since you never know what will fit and if it is the right dress. This site has a great selection and very honest about their sizes. Even if you are plus sized - they have tons of sizes and dazzling dresses. They even have a Fit to Flatter section that helps you select a dress that will fit your body type. It is a very personal purchase experience that keeps me coming back for more. Its just the waiting for it to ship I don't like... I want instant gratification cause I love it so much. 

Here is the dress I just got for my brother's wedding. Its much better than the typical cocktail dress from JCPenny's. I can see myself wearing this dress A LOT!

Happy Shopping!


Check it out....

ShabbyApple.com

We’re an online dress boutique selling women’s dresses, casual dresses, skirts, and women’s apparel. 


We recognize that finding the perfect dress can sometimes be challenging, which is why strive to design highly fashionable dresses for all types of women. So please, feel free to have a look around. 


Whether you’re looking for evening dresses, blouses, or the perfect skirt, we should have something that is right for you! And keep in mind that we are always designing new dresses for women, as well as coming out with entirely new fashion lines.

2 YEARS

This week marks year 2 since I was banded. I'd have to say this is the best 2 years of my life. Of course it isn't all happy days, there are many frustrating ones... but I am referring to the person I have come to be. That is really what this journey is all about. Sure I may bitch about how frustrated I am that I am not seeing the scale move this part year... but who I am on this inside is definitely shinning thru. I am seeing more and more of my ideal self.

Not so much the fat girl mentality any more... Year one is really finding and adjusting to the new lifestyle. A little bit bumpy and unsure. But by the time you are onto year 2 you find your place, you find out how far you are willing to push yourself, you find out a lot more than what you ever expected of who you are to become.

I know that my journey is a bit slower than some. But I have come to be realistic that the weight wont magically come off as it did the first few months. You truly and honestly have to work at it.

Without being banded I wouldn't have done most of the things I have in the past 2 years.
Even thought of going to a gym
Spin Class
Yoga Class
Zip Lining
Mountain Bike riding
Kayaking (in my bathing suit)
Vacation in my bathing suit
Wear a size 14
Think about my outfits versus throwing on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt
Wake up happy
Acupuncture
Meditation
Fit into a plane seat
Wear tank tops
Wear Skinny Jeans
Enjoy Shopping (probably too much sometimes)
Eat organic
Dance without being drunk (you know what I am takin' about)
Dance solo on the dance floor
Wear fun bracelets
Wear a watch

There is so much more to life than just the scale. I guess if you aren't happy with yourself no matter what that damn scale says... you just wont be happy. Cheers to another year and more fun things ahead...

Focus on Self

The last couple of weeks I have been watching a lot of 'fat shows'. I am not sure what to call them. You know shows like Biggest Looser, I Used to be Fat, Chelsea Settles. Granted I have spent more time watching TV than my normal reading at night. Sometimes I get sucked in to reality TV. One thing that has come out of all this TV craze is that I am watching these people go thru these life changing opportunities... I am watching others go thru it instead of focusing on my own opportunities. I shouldn't be sitting there - I should be doing!

I have started to think more about what I am doing wrong and how to fix it. I mean simple stuff that will make a difference. Not eating a scone or muffin but eating an apple instead. Having quick bites of good things versus evil things. What I see I eat. So if I see the right choices I will do it instead of searching out quick fixes or bad food choices. Saving the 300 calorie mistake.

Another thing I have made a change is in how many times I work out and what I am doing. For example, I went to my first Spin class since July. It felt great to go. I burned tons of calories and sweat like no other. I have been doing 2 yoga classes each week since my injury. I think I have babied it way too long and I have to do more. Spin is that answer. I have enjoyed my yoga classes so I will keep going but now only once a week. I am trying to get back to what I was doing before July. This includes weights. I can't forget to do them - I have to make time for them. Definitely can tell my muscle tone has gone down since I haven't been doing it. 

Stress is a big factor in way I am unhappy and always gained weight. I notice the days I don't go to the gym I am very lazy or more stressed. I always feel better and make wiser choices if I work out. I want to be one of the people who do something each day. If I really want to be a certain person then I need to act upon it. With that said this week I have started a new routine.

Monday: 1 hour cardio (outside or gym)

Tuesday: 1 hour Spin Class, 1 hour weights

Wednesday: 1 hour cardio (outside or gym)

Thursday: 1 hour Yoga Class, 30 min cardio, 1 hour weights

Friday: Off day

Saturday: 1 hour cardio, 1 hour weights, Swim Laps or Spin Class

Sunday: 1 hour cardio, 1 hour weights, Swim Laps or Spin Class

I am logging everything down and how many reps again. That way I can visually see progress and push myself each time. I haven't been doing that and that is why I have gained 7 pounds since my Maui trip in July. It disappoints me and I am mad at myself. I have to get my 199 back. I have to earn it once again.

Next week is my 2 year bandiversay. Wow 2 years!

Goals for this week: Follow Simplicity

Weight for today: 204.5

Another Fill

The actual fill process was very painful. He has always had a hard time hitting the silicon area. I have him numb me but I can still feel him hitting the plastic part of the port as he tries to find his way to the silicon area. It slips a lot. Therefor it ca be very painful. It is a grinding type of feeling. Not fun.

I really feel the difference though. I can't eat as much and I get full quicker. I feel fuller longer and I am finally enjoying it. Hoping that this is a start of getting on track and loosing.

Today I had my follow up appointment for my recent fill. Since the last fill was so aggressive he really wants me to get on track to loose. I told him I how much I can eat but yet how much I notice a difference. It has really helped. He still felt that I wasn't quite there yet so he gave me a small, itty-bitty fill today to add to the larger fill recently done. Surprisingly he hit the marker the first time! It was so brief it surprised both of us. Usually the doctor and I talk about how difficult the fills are... today we just laughed in shock. It was great. Even better I didn't have to be there very long since the appointment went so quick. My port has moved as I have lost weight and started to lay at an angle.

As always a reminder to keep up with my vitamins, eat proteins and drink lots of water. I am so bad at the water part. 

This past week I have been working harder at not babying my injury. I still have no feeling in the impact area of my leg .. and I have a permanent indentation as my scar. Can't be a big baby! I am trying my best to get back to working out hard. I jogged 1 mile without stopping (Big Deal) and I also swam laps. I love swimming. It is a work out but it also relaxes you. I am still going to my acupuncture appointments once a week. This last one was amazing! I got that tickling current feeling again all over, but I also twitched a lot. I guess that means that when you flinch the pressure points were hit perfectly. It will have bigger results. Fingers Crossed.

This weekend I am going out for a bachelorette weekend for my new sister-in-law. I have no nice hot slutty clothes anymore. Nor can I afford to go shopping before hand. I am feeling already I will be out of place wearing flats since I can't wear heals due to my injury... and pants... who where pants to a club!?! Hoping my negativity with my clothes isn't a big deal and ruins my fun. Hanging with only a few girls I know and I am not really part of the circle of girls anymore... so it should be an interesting weekend. Wish me luck.


Weight for today: 205

Party Pointers

It has been 4 days since my  last confession  latest fill. I am feeling pretty good so far. I haven't felt hungry and I am trying not to eat too large of portions. Mushy food passes easier but the denser foods I definitely can't eat a lot of. Or if something is too dry. In some way I am kind of scared to force myself to eat too much. I really want this fill to be the one that works.

I went to two parties this weekend and both served lunch. Both parties were a lot of fun aside from the eating part. It is always good to see my close friends and get caught up. It in a way, recharges me. I didn't want to eat too much while there since I didn't want to get stuck. So I ate oatmeal or a yogurt before leaving the house. It really helped to have the right kinda of snack prior. I didn't over do it. But social eating definitely is a downfall.

Party 1: Had a mix of Asian foods from Chinese, Filipino and Hawaiian. It is hard not to eat something fried or a carbohydrate with such a selection. In stead of taking a bit of everything like I normally do... I picked a couple of things that were my favorite and just ate those. The desserts I happen to not be fond of so I didn't feel tempted to eat. The chicken that I did eat almost got stuck. I had to eat a little amount while chewing longer, then waiting a bit to eat more. I was getting a few looks since everyone else around me was devouring their plates. My bf and I now have a hand signal when he sees me stop eating... While no one is looking I point to my chest and then he knows what is wrong. I end up having to use the bathroom to spit up that thick-dog-slobbery-saliva that gathers in back of your mouth when you get stuck. Luckily it didn't turn into me throwing up.

Party 2: No selection except chicken casserole, strawberry salad and bread. I should of skipped on the bread and the casserole. But I managed to eat it. It haunted me the remaining of the day. Just say no to anything baked with mayo, cheese and topped with potato chips. Dessert was cupcakes... I had 2. Not the lowest calorie lunch. But since I ate a larger lunch I ended up eating a small bowl of soup for dinner. So all in all I stayed within my calorie limit for the day. Learned that casseroles may taste good but don't agree with my tummy.

It is always a battle to stay focused with so many temptations at a party. Here are a few party pointers:
- Don't stand near or around the serving area.
- Stay clear of open candy dishes.
- Pick a favorite entree and not entrees.
- Always take more green salad to fill up your plate first - there is less room for unhealthy choices.
- Be social and stay occupied. I know when I am bored I eat more. 
- Drink a lot of water.
- Have a healthy snack before the party. That way you don't over do it.

Goal for this week: Water, Water, Water.

Weight for today: 204 (ouch)

A Very Aggressive Fill

Off to the surgeon I went to have my band filled and a little pep talk yesterday. I told him all about how I can't tell what I had concerns about.... How I can eat a huge meal one day but the next of next meal I end up getting stuck, I feel hungry, I can't tell what that perfect portion would be, my no carb plan, my new Shakeology shakes, the frustrations I feel that each new thing I am trying isn't working, and most importantly how I haven't lost any weight this past year.

So his answer to all of my questions... A very aggressive fill. I had my appointment at 3pm. Way later than usual and therefore when I weighed in I was 209. Wholly Shit! Not good. He wants me to come back in a couple of weeks to see if this large fill really helps. He wants 2 days of liquids and me to continue to write down what I eat.

If this fill doesn't work then he wants to have the next fill adjustment done under an Xray where it is live with contrast dye that I swallow. I have had this done before and it is a pretty cool technology. But is expensive. The last time I had it done which was my first fill, I was already past my deducible so it was covered. Today, I think I would have to pay the full amount. Ouch!

Since my fill, I haven't felt hungry. I had a shake for dinner last night and was fine. This late a morning I am having a packet of watered down oatmeal and some tea. Kinda scared to eat solids but we will try some mushy things first.

So far so good... fingers crossed this works.

p.s. I am burping like crazy. Maybe my band is moving air out to make room for the liquids?

Minus Zero

The last few weeks I have made more of an effort to work on myself mentally and spiritually. I am learning it all comes full circle. From reading more about how to live my life not in that 'diet' mentality - to going to acupuncture sessions - even meditation. I over all feel pretty good so far about these new choices.

But as I reflect on the last few months I become upset at myself that I haven't lost any weight. I get kinda sad and mad at myself. I know that this new positive mindset I shouldn't be... but I do wish I was down at least some. I am gaining two and then losing two. It is frustrating. Normally I weight myself multiple times thru the week. I am trying my best to not do it everyday. A number shouldn't really upset me.. deep down, it does. The funny thing is I keep being told I am looking thinner. My clothes don't fit me any different and with the scale not moving... I am sure confused. 


Year one minus 30lbs. 
Year two minus zero.

I have a fill appointment this week with my surgeon. I really need to see what I can do to get the pounds off. Maybe they have some suggestions to get me out of this rut. My band has been tight at times, then way loose at others. Sometimes the same foods don't go down well or they are to dry. It is hard to pin point what works when it is not consistent. Definitely frustrated.

Yoga, Swimming and Meditations

Wow, I do feel a cloud has been lifted and I feel at ease. You may think it is in my head... but if you believe that acupuncture really works... then you know exactly what I mean.

Aside from sleeping like a baby for multiple nights, I have felt less stressed and more calm about what I have control of. Since I have been sleeping so well I feel refreshed when I get up. I haven't felt groggy and grumpy. And wholly shit, I have even been up before the alarm! If you know me, I love my sleep and I hate getting up. I am not a morning person.

Well, well, well... what is a girl to do when she gets up early on weekend.... go to the gym of course. I ended up randomly at the 9am Aqua Fit class. Yep, me and a bunch of old ladies. It was definitely an odd class. I felt very in shape and very young. I didn't really get much of a workout but it was relaxing. I am a fish. I love to be in the water. I haven't been in a pool in a while... and it just felt like I returned home. I grew up swimming and I wanted to be a life guard in my younger days. Reality sunk in and I knew I physically couldn't do it. I wasn't a fast swimmer. Any how... I relaxed in the pool with my ol' peeps... and then after they re-laned the pool I did laps for about 20 minutes until it started to get crowded. It felt so good to swim. I was in heaven and so overwhelmed with joy thru the remaining of the day. I loved it. I have to return.

Not only with the swimming I have been to yoga class 4 times the past 2 weeks. I am so not flexible and I hate every second of the class since I can't flex as much as everyone else. But even though at a quick glance the other people look like they are workin' the poses... look a little closer... they are all shaky and most likely thinking the same thing about themselves. Once the class is over I feel great. That is what matters. 

I know I really need to be continually working on myself. So I meditated more this weekend. Just as simple as... laying on the bed, headphones in my ears and calmly breathing. I didn't feel silly doing this in a new place. I kinda thought my bf would joke around about it. But he is very supportive of me doing it. He left me alone and let me do my thing. Maybe because he sees a difference in me so far? I hope so, since I feel it. I want to portray it externally. I want it to work.

I can't wait for my acupuncture appointment tomorrow. I am stoked to tell the doctor.. shamen... guru... tech... whatever you call'em... my results of the previous week. I know when I am at the end of my 6 weeks I will see a difference. In 1 week I have... can't wait to see the long term effects.

Goal for this week: Yoga and eat wisely while traveling.

Weight for today: 199.5 (still kickin' it here)

Mellow The F Out

Wednesday was my first Acupuncture appointment. I'd have to say it turned out to be pretty cool and I felt the results. Sounds kinda odd... but I do think this will work to bring my blood pressure down. This is a pretty small company. It is owned by a young couple probably around the same age as I am. I have spoke with both of them and they aren't dirty hippies... ha ha ha... they are very much real medical professionals.

The first initial appointment is set up where the first part of the session is filling out a form for your medical history and the issues you wish to resolve. Then once you go over the forms wit the specialist, they take you into a warm, low lite room. The room is set up for some serious relaxation. I could of fallen asleep in this room. The table you lay on, back down, was so soft. The lights were low and there was some low level ambient music playing. He calmly speaks to you and tell s you each thing he is doing. My session was set up to be in my legs and one needle in my forehead. Right between the eyes. You don't feel a thing.

Once he sets you up with all of the placed needles, he leaves the room.. turns the light off to be a single nightlight and turns the music up slightly. It is warm and cozy now. So you lay there for a certain period of time. You can move but I tried not to since I had never done this before. I took some deep breaths and try to relax. I was in there a total of 30-40 minutes. Within 15 or so... my body started to feel tingly. Like someone was stroking a feather against my skin, a slight tingling began just below my skin. It moved up from my legs to my hips, then up into my arms and chest. It was such a bizarre feeling but felt great one. (And no it wasn't an orgasm dirty birds!) This feeling went on all the way until he removed the needles at the end of the session. I asked him what that was... he smirked and said that I was relaxed and that was my inner Chi.

Whoa buddy! 


I have felt more relaxed, happier when I get out of bed, but the big bonus is that I have fallen asleep rock hard for the whole night... never woke up once. That is worth every cent.


I am definitely going back!


In addition to these treatments I have to take herbal supplements to fix my Yen &Yang levels. I have so many vitamins and now 2 more herbal tablets I can fit them into my traveling vitamin tray anymore. So I have upgraded his this bad boy.... 

Now my vitamins won't make a jingle jangle sound in my purse. Nice and tidy sound proof pouches. Can be found on Magellan's website.

Working Back To Me

Happy people are people that work out! That is totally true. I am back at the gym and it feels great. I feel less stressed and when I am in the gym... it is all about that moment. No bullshit about my personal life or work. It is a place to escape. I am working my way back into getting into that work out mode and making sure I push myself to get back to where I was. I have to work around my injury and not over strain myself. Easy to say. Hard to do. I know that having a month off was not good. I am not starting over with my endurance but I can definitely feel a difference. I know being injured play a huge roll in that but not being active for a whole month... I enjoyed it but I missed my gym time.

I took my second yoga class at my gym. It was many moons ago I took the class. Last time It kicked my ass and wasn't relaxing at all. I think it was because of the instructor was just about the moves and not the stretching and breathing. The class this time was taught by some one my own age and actually took the time to stretch into the positions. The hour went by very quick but I am sure not as limber as I once was. The perfect person to me that I want to be in life is a limber one. I want to be one of those women who can touch their toes and stretch in a downward dog. Me, today, not that person. I am stiff as a stick. I am more focused on trying to follow along than doing the pose right. I really need to practice and work at my flexibility.

I have my first acupuncture session this week! Scared but excited to see if it can help me bring down my blood pressure. I will post if something interesting happens. With trying to chill the F out... I am also trying to learn more about meditation. I don't have a prayer spot just yet. But just reading up on the how-to-do-it. Does anyone else do meditation? I have a few free books on my Kindle that I have started to read. I've got my ambient music ready to go. I just get so tense and internally stressed that I get frustrated, irritated, snippy or build it up to the point I cry. This isn't good. It isn't me. I don't want to be a worry-wart or someone ready to snap. The interesting thing about my journey is that I have feelings now. Before I guess I just played along and masked them with food. Now, I get stressed and worry a lot. I worry about things that aren't even in my own control. I really hope meditation will get me focused and back to my easy going self.

Taking This Serious

The last week has been a huge realization that I need to really be motivated and be healthy. I thought that being banded would be the key to my success. It has, but to a point. You do still need to work at loosing and constantly reminding yourself of the dream you have. It has been very difficult to be 100% aware of every bite and calorie. In or out. I thought I would feel this sense of freedom from forever being hungry or food dependent. But in all honesty... It still is a battle. I have stopped watching the Food Network and collecting recipes that aren't something I would make. I am trying to switch my brain and learn a new me.

I feel as if I am in this grey area and I feel sometimes stuck.. just waiting for my brain to kick in. I know what I need to do and a dream of this person who I want to be. I am frustrated I am not there yet. I am coming up on my 2 year band date and in the last year I haven't lost any weight. Hoe fucking annoying is that!?! I can't blame anyone or any one thing except for myself. It is hard to not see a difference in the scale when you work out, log foods, suffer and constantly aware of things you "can't eat". It is very tiring.

I guess what has triggered this little grey cloud over my head, is that I went to the doctor for my leg injury and the Dr was more concerned with my blood pressure. I have been fighting going back on medication for over a year. Going back on it is a huge slap to my pride. Being on meds means I am not healthy... Aka What I have not been striving for. It pisses me off. It is genetic.

The pisser is that when I finally agree to taking it, the doctor prescribed me a medicine that causes birth defects. What the fuck! Why would I put that into my body. I hope that there is a different medicine that I could take that doesn't have such a side effect. Definitely read the pharmacy descriptions before taking any medications. Is medicine my only choice for the rest of my life? I really hope that it isn't. I have heard of meditation, herbal supplements and acupuncture could help for a natural cure. I researched it and found a few books. I even have visited and herbalist/acupuncturist this past week for a consultation. I think I am going to try this road for 6 weeks or so, see how it goes, then go from there. Taking prescription drugs just isn't for my any more. Maybe the natural way will work.

So where does this leave me... back into the grey zone of trying to be healthy and to not think about the scale. If I think about the scale and weighing myself too much... I get disappointed. This is not my goal, the goal is to be healthy. Not just try to weight 150lbs. I have been pretty good about not eating carbs. Granted I have ate a few but I am making a larger effort to make sure I follow it.

My bf is very hard on me when I tell him I won't eat carbs, and then he sees me eat something that is bread or rice. He doesn't believe that I can constantly stay focused. He doubts my will power. This really hurts my feelings and makes me feel sad. I tell him I eat better when I am not around him. Which is true. But since he doesn't see me... he doesn't believe me. Ouch! There is always a lot of temptation when I stay at his house or when we go out. He has never had a weight problem and can eat whatever he wants. I wish he had a day in my mind/body so he would understand how it feels to deal with this burden. I think he would understand better, relate, and help me succeed versus scolding me. I don't respond well to that negativity. It makes me want to eat whatever he doesn't want me to eat. How fucked up is that? It is the one thing he is very hard on me about. He wants me to be healthy for us, for our future, for our kids. It is all understandable. I want to be right on the same page with him about that, but battling with the evil me inside... very, very difficult. Still a work in progress and trying to get there.

Man Up.

I have kept up with my no carb rule until Saturday and Sunday. I did really well by not letting it get me down and make me feel like I have failed my whole no carb rule. I ate a small amount.

Saturday was meant to be a 'free' day since I wanted to make a breakfast that had potatoes in it for my bf. So I ate a small amount of potatoes and then late night we had chocolate covered strawberries. Not too bad right? But my 'free' day turned into two days. Sunday I also ate some carb items too. I had a cinnamon roll and then later for dinner I ate part of a bread roll that came as side.  I should of asked for the fruit side but it is sometime just automatic to go for the 'bad' choice. I have to make more aware choices to rule out all of the little things since in the long run it can add up. Still learning. I think I did really well for being out of town for the weekend and not going crazy and letting one bad choice ruin the remaining day.

I made our meals very healthy this past weekend. Granted my bf eats white rice with every meal. It used to temp me all of the time since we ate a lot of the same things. But being the cook - you are in charge. Now, If he wants rice, he has to make it. That is the new rule. So when we travel we bring a mini rice cooker so he can make his rice. I used to have to make it on the stove-top since he didn't know how. But I have out smarted him and bought him the mini travel rice cooker. It is really mini. It only makes like 2 cups of cooked rice each time. It works perfectly for one person and I wont feel obligated to eat the rice to not waste it. It is a win-win situation!

This week will be a good one. ..I am going back to the gym! I have to! I feel so lazy that I haven't worked out because of my bum leg. I can still work out but maybe just not as hard with cardio or my leg workout. I need to work around it. I miss the gym and I feel overall so much better. I know it will be hard at first... but with my new work out shirt motivating me... I will be just fine!

Tomorrow I go back onto my 3 day cleanse. Protein shakes and fruit/veggies. Then to continue the no carb plan for the remaining of the month. My birthday is at the end of the month and I would love to be back at the gym full time and into my perfect routine. I am going to stay focused and positive. Again, I am going to stay focused and positive!


Goal for the week: Gym time!

Weight for today: 199.0

5 Simple Goals

1.  Try not to think of eating right part of a 'diet' and think long term. 
I tend to binge eat or feel guilty when I eat something I know I shouldn't.

2. If we make a 'mistake' don't let it ruin your meals for the rest of the day.
Make note of it and don't repeat.

3. If you have a craving... eat it!
Yeah, you heard me! Eat only a small amount of it though. If you can't control how much, since you get into that zone. Write it down in your food log and how you felt. Usually it is more of a mental reason than really a true craving. I eat when I am frustrated or sad. I know I do this and if I see this in my food log I move on instead of dwell and punish myself. If my mind is negative I will fail.

4. Public Food Log.
I have a chart that I write my food and workouts on. I have it taped to my closet so I see it when I get ready in the morning. This version is my simple log so I stay on track. I still log my foods online thru the BodyMedia website. You can make your own chart in Excel. Mine is a bit more fancy being a Graphic Designer... But as long as you have the basics You are good to go! Add a few positive quotes, photos of yourself or a countdown.

5. Talk to yourself!
As silly as this is, I tell myself to have a positive day and 'think' when I eat first thing in the morning. Even Jillian Michaels talks to herself - We all do. It is proven that staying in a positive mindset - positive things will happen. There was a book written about it called "The Secret". Read it.

Being Aware

I am actually doing it!

Last week I did a 3 day cleanse to get me started on back to eating better. It really helps make me start fresh and get into that mind set. Since then I have been really good about no carbs. Granted a slice a bread was consumed... and two chocolates. But I don't feel bad about eating them. I know that it wasn't the best but I was aware it was not the right choice and then I moved on. I am not going to punish myself. Especially since the scale wasn't effected. I am thinking long term.

I am mainly sticking to a few main meals so I don't have to think to much about what to plan out. Here is a list of my basic meals.

Breakfast:
Shakeology protein shake with So Delicious Coconut Milk
(I make different shakes by adding fruit or coffee)

Lunch:
1 cup of cucumbers and 1 cup of strawberries
Greek yogurt
carrots with hummus

Dinner:
Turkey meatballs (two of course) with marinara sauce
Fajita style chicken with bell peppers & onions + 1/2 cup Pinto beans

Snacks:
Banana
Celery with a Skinny Cow wedge
Mixed nuts
Apple with Peanut Butter

The simple menu is really helpful. I feel as if only buying and having a small amount of selections keeps me focused. When I grocery shop I only carry the basket instead of pushing a cart around. I feel things 'slip' into the cart that aren't on my list. I also tell myself that I can't buy more than 1 re-usable bag full of items. It also makes the grocery bill cheaper and I don't waist any by buying to much. It sounds silly but it works for me to think like this.


I repeat my cleanse next week for another 3 days. Then another 2 weeks of no carbs. It is only until the end of August I am doing this. If I see a difference then I may will keep going. I am actually not really hungry between meals until the end of the night. That is when I feel the need to snack on things I shouldn't. I am being more aware of this and maybe eating a bit more protein for dinner will help me out.

Goal for this week: Keep it positive!

Weight for today: 198

I Have Life To Look Good For!

Since I can't work out, I might as well eat right! Today is the last day of my 3 day cleanse. It basically is a protein shake for breakfast and lunch, fruits & veggies as snacks, protein for dinner. It is going pretty good and it was easier than I thought it would be. I feel good.

While in Hawaii I weighed myself. I was 204 with clothes and tennis shoes on. Day 1 of cleanse I was 199.5. The last 2 days I have been 198.5. Not a bad start. Any bit counts.

I am going to eat right for 1 month and do 2 of my 3 day cleanse. Eating right means very little, if any carbs. No bread and no sweet things. (I recently had Coconut Gelato. It is awesome. I can't have it. Sad.)

I have 3 more months until I get to my 2 year band date! Time has flown by. If I don't loose any weight from today until then... that would mean I haven't lost any weight in 1 year. The lowest I have been down is to 196. I think know I can get past that.

Just going to stay positive until my leg heals, eat the smartest I can, no binge eating of carbs, and lots of water. Then once I am back going to the gym it will be 100% in the works. Feeling like I want to do 1 more day of cardio. That would put me at 3 gym days and 1 outdoor day.

48 POUNDS TO LOOSE
80 DAYS UNTIL 2 YR MARK
-4 POUNDS PER WEEK (Wow!?! That's one might BIG Goal!)

I have LIFE I need to look/feel good for!

Intuitive Eating - Book Share

What is Intuitive Eating?


http://www.intuitiveeating.org/


Intuitive eating is an approach that teaches you how to create a healthy relationship with your food, mind, and body--where you ultimately become the expert of your own body.   You learn how to distinguish between physical and emotional feelings, and gain a sense of body wisdom.   It's also a process of making peace with food---so that you no longer have constant "food worry" thoughts.  It's knowing that your health and your worth as a person do not change, because you ate a food that you had labeled as "bad" or "fattening”.  



The underlying premise of Intuitive Eating is that you will learn to respond to your inner body cues, because you were born with all the wisdom you need for eating intuitively. On the surface, this may sound simplistic, but it is rather complex.  This inner wisdom is often clouded by years of dieting and food myths that abound in the culture.  For example, “Eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full” may sound like basic common sense, but when you have a history of chronic dieting or of following rigid “healthy” rules about eating, it can be quite difficult. To be able to ultimately return to your inborn Intuitive Eater, a number of things need to be in place—most importantly, the ability to trust yourself!  Here is a summary of the 10 principles of Intuitive Eating, from our book, Intuitive Eating, 2nd ed, 2003. With these principles, comes a world of satisfying eating and a sense of freedom that can be exhilarating!

Intuitive Eating Principles

1. Reject the Diet Mentality. Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you false hope of losing weight quickly, easily, and permanently. Get angry at the lies that have led you to feel as if you were a failure every time a new diet stopped working and you gained back all of the weight. If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover Intuitive Eating.
2. Honor Your Hunger. Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Otherwise you can trigger a primal drive to overeat. Once you reach the moment of excessive hunger, all intentions of moderate, conscious eating are fleeting and irrelevant. Learning to honor this first biological signal sets the stage for re-building trust with yourself and food.
3. Make Peace with Food. Call a truce, stop the food fight! Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. If you tell yourself that you can't or shouldn't have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings and, often, bingeing When you finally “give-in” to your forbidden food, eating will be experienced with such intensity, it usually results in Last Supper overeating, and overwhelming guilt.
4. Challenge the Food Police. Scream a loud "NO" to thoughts in your head that declare you're "good" for eating under 1000 calories or "bad" because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. The Food Police monitor the unreasonable rules that dieting has created . The police station is housed deep in your psyche, and its loud speaker shouts negative barbs, hopeless phrases, and guilt-provoking indictments. Chasing the Food Police away is a critical step in returning to Intuitive Eating.
5. Respect Your Fullness. Listen for the body signals that tell you that you are no longer hungry. Observe the signs that show that you're comfortably full. Pause in the middle of a meal or food and ask yourself how the food tastes, and what is your current fullness level?
6. Discover the Satisfaction Factor. The Japanese have the wisdom to promote pleasure as one of their goals of healthy living In our fury to be thin and healthy, we often overlook one of the most basic gifts of existence--the pleasure and satisfaction that can be found in the eating experience. When you eat what you really want, in an environment that is inviting and conducive, the pleasure you derive will be a powerful force in helping you feel satisfied and content. By providing this experience for yourself, you will find that it takes much less food to decide you've had "enough".
7. Honor Your Feelings Without Using Food. Find ways to comfort , nurture, distract, and resolve your issues without using food. Anxiety, loneliness, boredom, anger are emotions we all experience throughout life. Each has its own trigger, and each has its own appeasement. Food won't fix any of these feelings. It may comfort for the short term, distract from the pain, or even numb you into a food hangover. But food won't solve the problem. If anything, eating for an emotional hunger will only make you feel worse in the long run. You'll ultimately have to deal with the source of the emotion, as well as the discomfort of overeating.
8. Respect Your Body. Accept your genetic blueprint. Just as a person with a shoe size of eight would not expect to realistically squeeze into a size six, it is equally as futile (and uncomfortable) to have the same expectation with body size. But mostly, respect your body, so you can feel better about who you are. It's hard to reject the diet mentality if you are unrealistic and overly critical about your body shape.
9. Exercise--Feel the Difference. Forget militant exercise. Just get active and feel the difference. Shift your focus to how it feels to move your body, rather than the calorie burning effect of exercise. If you focus on how you feel from working out, such as energized, it can make the difference between rolling out of bed for a brisk morning walk or hitting the snooze alarm. If when you wake up, your only goal is to lose weight, it's usually not a motivating factor in that moment of time.
10. Honor Your Health--Gentle Nutrition. Make food choices that honor your health and tastebuds while making you feel well. Remember that you don't have to eat a perfect diet to be healthy. You will not suddenly get a nutrient deficiency or gain weight from one snack, one meal, or one day of eating. It's what you eat consistently over time that matters, progress not perfection is what counts.

Biggest Looser Resort at Fitness Ridge

Taking the initiative to loose weight is a huge step but when you do it in front of others... now, that takes some balls. 


I am so proud of a friend of mine that is taking this new step in her life. I adore her! She is awesome! One of the happiest and fun going people I know. (You shall remain nameless, don't worry). I have always admired her and even looked up to her. A very successful person who always stayed strong thru the years. A dear friend in deed! 


Now, her and I have always had one thing in common.. Our weight and body issues. She has been given a great opportunity to take control of her life, her mind, her body by going to the Biggest Looser Resort. 


http://www.biggestloserresort.com/


Let's give this gal some props! 


At first I was kinda skeptical and in some small way I thought she was crazy for doing this. But the more I learn about this place, the more awesome it sounds.  I thought she was just too small to participate in this. She is smaller than I am. I would kill to be her size! From the brief contact I have had with her while she is 1 week into the 4 weeks... She tells me that majority are women and are 'normal' sizes. So what this means is that EVEN SKINNY PEOPLE HAVE ISSUES just as us full figured women. 


Just read and see...

Life Changing
Experience a program that gives you the education and tools to change your lifestyle habits and change your life. Learn about your own body - your metabolism, calorie needs, stamina and just how much you are truly capable of. Then, take these tools and apply them to your life when you return home. You will discover your own strength as you push past your own limits and consistently exceed your own expectations. Take the first step toward changing the direction of your life. Experience the program for yourself.

Award Winning
Voted 2nd place in the prestigious 2010 Spas of America Top 50 Spas, as well as the Highest Ranking Destination Spa and the Most Popular Utah Spa! Voted as one of the top ten spas in the prestigious 2009 SpaFinder Readers’ Choice Award competition in Best for Affordability, Best Fitness Program, Best for Hiking, and Best for Weight-Loss.

Results Oriented
Achieve the results of a healthy lifestyle with our comprehensive program of fitness activity, calorie-controlled spa cuisine, and education series. There is something for everyone with over 20 different indoor and outdoor group classes. All meals are prepared by a trained executive chef with emphasis on creativity and flavor. Guests have access to on-site licensed professionals including a registered dietitian and licensed counselor, who teach how to approach meal planning and recognize habits such as emotional and intuitive eating. You will have the tools to take home and incorporate into your new, balanced, healthy way of life.

Relax too!
The Resort employs over a dozen salon professionals who are committed to helping you relax following your intense fitness schedule. Unwind with a body massage or acupuncture treatment, pamper yourself with a facial, or enjoy a visit to our full-service salon.

Download the brochure here... http://www.biggestloserresort.com/sites/www.biggestloserresort.com/files/pages/tblFitnessRidgeBrochureFinalS.pdf

1 YEAR 9 MONTHS

Where is time going and why am I not loosing weight!?! Oh, that's right because I haven't been trying. The date has come and gone and I was just too busy to even notice. In fact, life has been kinda crazy and I haven't wrote on my weekly blog for like 3 weeks! Sorry folks.

As of 1 year and 9 months this is me....

I spent it in Maui for 8 days! It was fantastic. I wish I was there. I ate whatever I wanted there too. I don't think I gained too much either. We stayed pretty active and had long days. Something about Hawaii time that just goes slow and easy. We kayaked, snorkeled with sea turtles and white tipped sharks, rode bikes down a crazy hillside of a volcano!, watched the sunrise from a crater rim, zip lined, found our own personal beaches and just did some major R&R!

The one thing I do love about myself now is that I have more confidence. There would of been no way prior to banding that I would of done all of those active things on vacation. Now, I want to do all of it.

The last day we were there we went zip lining and I ended up getting hurt. I thought I broke my leg. Visited the Maui Memorial as well. It was a bad way to end a trip. One day it will be funny but today not so funny. Been on crutches all week since we got back. And the one thing I am upset about it that I can't work out. I was so into setting myself a goal of getting back into eating right and pushing myself harder at the gym and adding one day to my workout.... but I can't do it since I can't walk and workout. Lame! I hope this week will be a full recovery so I can get back into it.

It is 80-ish days till my 2 year anniversary.... and I HAVE TO LOOSE SOME POUNDS BY THEN! Who's with me?

Thank you to my 70 followers... WOW! Thanks for all of your support.

Props to Miss South Carolina - 110lbs later

Bree Boyce, 22, shed nearly half her body weight before being named Miss South Carolina

With her beaming smile and flawless figure, Bree Boyce looks every bit the pageant winner. But the path she took to get there was anything but ordinary.

Before being crowned Miss South Carolina July 2, the 22-year-old lost 110 pounds — nearly half her body weight — over three years.

"I'm not on any kind of crazy diet; I'm just living a healthy lifestyle, and that's what I try to promote," Boyce told TODAY.com.

“That’s really what I want to focus on,” she told NBC News in an report that aired on TODAY Tuesday. “It’s not about a number on the scale or the size [of] your pants; it’s about being a ‘size healthy’ and loving yourself and having that self-worth.”Boyce will take her platform national when she competes for Miss America in January. Until then, she'll be traveling around the country encouraging others to get healthy by eating well, exercising, and believing in themselves.

An overshadowed child Self-worth is something Boyce struggled with for most of her life. The youngest of four, she says she always felt overshadowed by her siblings — two brothers and a sister, Tiffany. That feeling intensified when Tiffany, six years her senior, started competing in beauty contests.

"I loved going to the pageants and seeing how beautiful she was and glamorous she looked, but I also felt like I was kind of being dragged everywhere," Boyce told TODAY.com. "It wasn't that my family wasn't loving and supportive, because they definitely were. But emotionally, I just always felt like I was in the background."

To cope with her emotions, she turned to junk food, often sneaking around so that her family wouldn't find out.

“When I got my license, it really got bad,” Boyce said. “I would run to the local fast food joint, get something and eat it in my car.” Or she would eat entire pizzas and then stuff the boxes in the outside trash can before anyone came home.

What she got was a wakeup call: "He grabbed my legs and thighs and told me that it was time to lose weight," she recalled.  He warned that her knees and joints couldn't support her weight, and that she would have more problems in the future if she didn't slim down.


Read more here:
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/43676767/ns/today-style/t/she-lost-lbs-won-beauty-queen-crown?GT1=43001

Aloha Trimshapers!

While discussing all of the items we need to pack for our trip, I stated that when we get back that I needed to be really serious about losing some more weight. He then proceeded to say that he "has been hearing that for months and he will believe it when he sees it".

Ouch :(

But I guess the truth does hurt, in some way. I keep getting motivation for a few days then fall back into this lazy pattern and same old habits. So when we come back from our trip, I REALLY do have to prove him and myself that I have to keep with it. Man - Up time!

With that said... there are only a few more days until we leave. I am so f'ing excited. Excited to get away, but mainly just to have some quality time with my honey. What makes me even more excited is I found a few new bathing suits. I searched at sports stores, bathing suit stores, even high end bra stores... and nada. I was so pissed and really down on myself that I didn't want to blog last week. Then I remembered that JCPenny has good sales and large selections. I found 4 new suit items. 2 bottoms and 2 tops.

The tops I highly recommend for large busts or saggy tummies... They are call Trimshapers. Having a suit that holds it all in makes you feel great. Like wearing a camisole that is like a sports bra in one. Bisou Bisou also has large coverage for bottoms that are great too. Perfect for large butts and comfort. I usually defaulted and got bikini tops since I could get the bust support from them. But never felt great looking in them. Now, these trimshapers are AWESOME! So great I could even imagine walking around without a cover-up. No one would even know you had some saggies underneath!

So next time you hear from me I hope to be a bit tanner, get all of my poor eating out of my system... and onto a healthy mindset.


Aloha!

Goal for this week: Pack little, drink lots of water!

Weight for today: 200 lbs.

Unlimited: Jillian Michaels

In between reading the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo series... to get back to real life and non suspenseful reading.... I needed a good book to help recharge my mindset. I am about half way thru the Unlimited book by Jillian Michaels. 

I thought it would be more about her views on fitness and health but it is somewhat of a self-help book. At first, I was thinking I didn't want to read a self help book. But as I was a few chapters in and I really got into it. It is an easy read and she is funny. She writes like she talks... She cusses... gives great references... She doesn't bullshit or talk in a round about way. I think this is a good book for those of us struggling with our inner selves.

I wouldn't really say I was struggling with myself but I do think this book comes into my life at a perfect time since I feel like I keep sabotaging my goals. I want to be 'this certain' person and I see her in the distance, I just need to get to her. Giving into my inner devil and eating french fries two times this week isn't going to get me there. One of JM's main focus is being positive and mediation. Now, I am not going to go prey/meditate/yoga pose myself into a pretzel anytime soon... but she is making some valid points and is making me think about my life.

She is making a huge impact on many people's lives just by being on BL. She is a great role model and her newest book is worth the read!

Get To It!

I was so pissed about being 200+ on the scale the last few weigh ins, I hadn't weighted myself since last week. In Fear! With as crazy as I have been eating and how crazy work has been, I am back down a few pounds... aka back into Onederland. Sigh! Not sure how I got there but it must of been all the running around I did for the 3 day photo shoot I directed last week. I was so pooped at the end of each night, OT, 12 hour shifts for 3 whole days... That's huge difference than sitting in an office for 8 hours a day. I love the change.... But what it really means is that I need to be more active for the amount of calories I am eating. It just proves to me this is something I NEED to change!

I an very encouraged by this new lower number. It is amazing how a number can ruin a day or change your perspective of yourself. I have been feeling pretty down the last month. It is hard when someone asks how much weight I have lost lately and if I am even loosing anything. I already have the worst critic in my head, I don't need another one. It hurts to hear that BUT it is the TRUTH. This person sees it, just as much as I do.

With my goal tracker on my BodyMedia Fit band program, it states I should be in the 180-175 range already to meet my goal of 150 in a certain time frame. I obviously am NOT there. It is also less than 30 days until my Hawaii trip. I also wanted to be down 10 pounds before this trip.

I am saying it, but I need to DO IT!
Be active.
Eat right.
Stay under 1300-1200 calories.

Even more apparent... I got my tattoo that I had wanted. It says "only I will remain." In reference to my Blog statement about living in fear and getting past that point. (See above header.) Sometimes I can think and think about something but I have to be brave and act upon it. What would I loose, or suffer from... hunger is manageable, weight loss is needed and encouraged. Now it is permanently on me, so I have to live by it.

Goal for this week: Stop Bitching and get to it!

Weight for today: 198.5

Is It Worth It?

This week is a struggle...

It is hard to be strong everyday and every second. Sometimes I fail but others I am strong willed and determined. The last week has been 'blah' and unhealthy. I don't know why I fall back into these patterns and old habits. I thought I lost them in the dust!

I know I am stressed with life and with work. There are so many things I have to be accountable for and all I want to do is go to sleep to hide from them. I wish I had the motivation every day to loose this excess weight and mind frame. It is keepin' me in a place where I am not happy. You would think setting a goal or having a special occasion coming soon would kick me into gear. Nope!

I do feel a lot of pressure to continue to be successful with my weight loss. I made such a huge difference with 30 pounds right away. I felt like being banded was my key to success. And the only key I needed. This I have learned is not the only key I need. There is a whole custodian key ring full of damn keys I need! 

Once that first bit of weight comes off you expect it to keep falling off at that same pace and ease. Then you hit a  wall. You either keep changing and move forward or you get stuck hanging with the 2-0-0-buddy. Yep I am back up to 200.5 today. I know that it is because of how I ate this past week. I honestly didn't care so much when I was eating those unhealthy things. I just ate in that zone and focused on what I was eating. The joy I had from it, but then the guilt following it. A vicious cycle.

List of sh*ty foods I ate:

Cheeseburger

Fries

Chocolate shake

Milano cookies

Bread

Mashed Potatoes

Nachos

Pound Cake

M&M's

Dinner Roll

Bagel with Cream Cheese

Vodka/Sprite 

French Toast

Real Thick sliced Bacon

And that is only last week! Carbs, Carbs, Carbs! Not good!

Goal for this week: Everyday is a new start. Make good choices for long term not short term.

Weight for today: 200.5